Hey, you, with the penis. Be honest. Does your penis not work so good anymore? It happens. Stress, medical problems, overuse, and aging take their toll and weaken your love tackle, but there are measures you can take to revive the ol’ pants meat. I’m not talking about pumps or pills—that’s Big Pharma hooey. You can restore your penis to optimal health with the aid of tools you probably already own. Simply stick your tired old penis into various kitchen gadgets and reap the benefits.
Do not just go and cram your penis into a regular toaster. Those thin bread slots are accommodating to only the most egregiously pencil-dicked, so the average-to-girthier gentleman should seek out an extra-wide “bagel-friendly” toaster.
Once inserted, the penis will be immediately scalded on a dozen red-hot coils for two minutes of mild agony. Then, let the penis cool, and fluff off all the charred black skin. Talk about exfoliation.
You’ll finally get some use out of this $200, counter-hogging gadget you bought a decade ago. Just dial up the “knead dough” setting and stick your penis in. The bread machine’s paddle will aggressively grind, fold, pull, stretch, and bend your penis. Then, set it to “bake.” You’ve just given your penis a much-needed massage and a hot stone treatment.
Showtime Rotisserie Grill
As made famous by Ron Popeil on his endlessly running infomercial, this appliance enables home cooks to easily slow-roast a whole chicken. You simply stick a metal skewer through the meat, place it on the device’s rotating rack, then “set it and forget it!” It works the same way with the human penis.
Within three hours, the 350-degree heat will cook your penis to succulent perfection. You may find the feeling of a skewer in the penis coupled with high temperatures to be a tad unpleasant, but there’s no better way to remove toxins.
The “it” gadget of the past year works like a slow cooker but in a fraction of the time. That means you don’t have to crouch over it with your penis dangling in it for five hours, only about 30 minutes. That’s how long it takes for the Instant Pot’s combination of high pressure and high heat to turn your penis into a flaming, rock-hard diamond. It’s basically natural—and permanent—Viagra.
Since the early 1980s, this standard kitchen appliance has been the miracle magic tool to zap leftovers or cook food in just a couple of minutes, thanks to the power of science. Putting your penis in a microwave will leave you with a burning, tingling sensation for however long the appliance is running, but that feeling just means it’s working. Bonus: Once you remove your penis, you’ll find that you can now shoot lasers out of the tip.
Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine
Nostalgia alert! Remember using this to make little cups of roughly chopped ice and then pouring sweet syrup on them for you and your brother on hot summer days? It’s the exact same device from childhood, with the exact same sharp blades safely encased in a plastic enclosure that is the exact same size as the tip of an adult human male penis. When you stick your member inside the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine, you will find yourself in excruciating pain as the hand-cranked blades jerkily cut into the penis and roughly tear flesh, vein, and urethra asunder. With all that dead tissue gone, the leftover healthy and youthful tissue has free reign to grow.
These devices cook food to a deep-fried consistency but without the addition of cooking fat. The tremendous heat that shoots out of a series of tiny jets do make the penis feel like it’s on fire, but that’s the price you pay for an oxygen infusion that will steam clean your penis and give it a youthful glow. You’ll swear your penis looks 16 again!