2019 is upon us, and there’s no better way to celebrate than by remodeling your life. After all, you may have completely failed to change yourself, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change your surroundings, starting with some much-needed cutlery! Here are some of the latest and trendiest kitchen knives for you to shakily attempt to sever your pinkie as a consequence of breaking your new year’s resolution.
Ginsu Koden Series 14-Piece Counter-Saver Block Set
This stainless steel set immediately stands out for its unconventional but convenient location at eye level, perfect for those late-night leans against the countertop while downing a bottle of cooking wine. Your gaze lowers as tears drip onto the palm-down hand you can’t remember placing on the cutting board.
Damascus 7-Inch Cleaver: Made From High-Quality Japanese Steel, Stronger Than Your Willpower
At $109.99, this traditional but contemporary Japanese cleaver might put you over your budget, but the laser-tested edge and ergonomic grip immediately tell you where that money went. This cleaver is so strong, it’ll have no problem completely severing your pinkie in one hard chop, provided you don’t half-ass your swing the way you’ve completely half-assed all the other promises you made.
Cosmos Kitchen Knife Set: Way Cooler Than You
Just imagine seeing the entire galaxy reflected back at your swollen face at 3:34 A.M. as you drunkenly stumble into the wilted Christmas tree you never bothered to take down. This cosmic knife set might be a tad too flashy for a professional chef but absolutely perfect for that dinner party you swore to organize before reverting back into antisocial obscurity among your friends.
Kyocera Pink-Handled Ceramic 5-1/2–Inch Santoku Knife: Perfect For Promise-Breakers
We specifically chose the pink-handle design on this well-crafted santoku knife because it perfectly symbolizes feelings of joy and romance. This association makes it that much more ironic when you’re sweatily raising the knife above your head in preparation to drive it tip-first through your knuckle. Its curved edges and small size make it the perfect device for an ill-conceived and messy execution of the vow you made to yourself and God concerning this year’s resolution, your lack of planning yet another fault resulting in this excruciating consequence you’ve forced yourself into—that is, unless you’re just a fucking coward.
Joseph Joseph 6-Piece Locking Knife Set: You Absolute Fuck-Up
It’s a knife so nice they named it twice! This Joseph Joseph set has a unique locking feature that keeps it safe from the curious hands of a child, assuming you will ever get your shit together enough to start a family. For now, it rests futilely guarded, mocking your attempt at an adult lifestyle. And so, when you’re not using it to slice open the packaging of your nightly Lean Cuisine, you find yourself resting the bladed edge on your least-favorite digit while holding a hammer in the other hand, hoping the single blow will do the job without dulling the blade with your useless bones (not likely, considering the high quality of these beautiful knives).
Orblue Serrated Bread Knife: DO IT, YOU FAILURE
For a measly $13, you might be wondering why we’d include such a basic bread knife on this list of fancy and fun blades to keep around the kitchen. We get it! What you don’t get is to complain about our choices when you’ve yet to follow through on the one goddamn thing you swore to do if you broke your new year’s resolution. Now, you’re stuck holding this flimsy fucking excuse for cutlery because you didn’t bother to purchase a sharp enough knife. Are you happy now? This is going to take hours.
Messermeister 10-Inch Poultry Shears: For Cowards
Fuck it. Just go into that drawer of fine-cooking bullshit you never use and whip out these heavyweight Messermeister poultry shears with a durable locking mechanism. The industrial-strength design will keep it intact as you push your entire weight down on its handle, gnashing your teeth into your only wooden kitchen spoon as you hear the dull crunch of your small metacarpal splintering under the pressure. It’s not nearly as dramatic as a clean chop from one of the many options above, but it’s better than wussing out of the deal. And who knows? After the physical and psychological trauma of this horrendous self-inflicted injury, maybe next year, you’ll finally learn to stop biting your goddamn nails.
Images: Pixabay, Amazon