C’mon, Everyone! We’re Doing Massive Rails Of Turmeric!

Turmeric is super popular in the wellness world right now for its anti-inflammatory properties, among many other benefits. People are putting it in teas and adding it to their meals. It’s even starting to show up in body lotions and shampoos. But none of these delivery methods can compete with the efficiency of rolling up a dollar bill and snorting that savory ‘ric off a mirror, sending it straight into your bloodstream. That’s right. We’re doing rails of turmeric now.

It’s All About Efficiency

It can take up to 20 minutes for a topical or ingested dose of turmeric to take effect. Compare that to the fast-acting powers of a straw rammed up your nose as your limo driver raises the glass separator to give you and your equally health-conscious mistress some privacy. With just one little snort, she and I and her friend Candice are offered a brief window of invincibility followed by a euphoric glimpse into the master plan of the universe as sketched out by The Wise Ones many eons ago. And it’ll treat scabies, which is nice and will come in handy with this group.

Reminding your friends and family that you’re just snorting that primo ‘ric for all of its incredible health benefits should get them off your back long enough to score some more from your local … let’s call him a “grocer.” Once you emerge from your two-and-a-half-month turmeric bender with clearer skin, reduced signs of aging, a deviated septum, and a 4,000-page quasi-religious science fiction novel you’re hoping to adapt into a cult, they’ll know they’re the ones with the problem.

Turmeric Will Never Lie to You

You’ve always known what was best for you. You are an infallible, golden-nosed god, after all. Everyone’s holding you back from saturating your bloodstream with so much turmeric that you split reality, entering a psychedelic world of mayhem and increased antioxidant activity only to be spit out the other side wearing nothing but tube socks and sunglasses in an old lady’s tomato garden with a sex worker’s business card tucked between your butt cheeks. Turmeric really is the all-natural wonder supplement you’ve been looking for.

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