Doomsday (Meal) Prepper: How To Meal Prep For The Impending Nuclear Winter
The world of today is a scary place. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but if you’re like us, you’re pretty sure it’ll bring a hail of nuclear missiles that will wipe out all semblance of human progress in one white-hot instant. Also like us, you’ve probably been prepping for that moment of nuclear annihilation for years. But have you been prepping smart? Why pack your bomb shelter with boring old sacks of rice when you can prepare full, healthy meals that will last you decades as you ride out the inevitable nuclear winter?
You’ll be glad you won’t have to scavenge through the crystallized ash of the old world that blankets the land cities once stood when you take a big, honkin’ bite of a pork chop you made 37 years ago.
Finding Flavors You’ll Love For Years
Usually, when you meal prep, you only have to think ahead to what you’ll want to eat on Friday. A post-apocalyptic meal-prepper has to think about what they might be in the mood for on the third Thursday of September in the subzero irradiated wastes of 2048. You need to figure out what flavors you wouldn’t mind eating every day until a gang of cannibalistic marauders ignore your stores of food and eat you instead. Dishes like barbecue chicken and beef chili are both flavorful and broadly appealing enough that you’ll won’t start gagging at the mere thought of eating them until your 10th year in the bunker.
Don’t Forget Snacks!
For all the calories and nutrients you’ll derive from prepped meals, they’ll all still be lacking one key ingredient: fun. That’s why we have junk food in our pre-apocalyptic world, where things are a lighthearted romp compared to the frozen desert of pain that most assuredly waits. So don’t forget to stock up on snack cakes, hard candies, taffies, popcorn kernels, and salted nuts, which will all likely remain edible through any number of apocalyptic scenarios.
Ditch The Plastic Containers. It’s All About Industrial Vacuum Sealing.
Those black plastic meal prep containers you can buy on Amazon are good for meal prep lunches for the week, but they won’t keep your food fresh for any more than that once the world has been torn asunder. That’s why you need an industrial vacuum sealer and a whole mess of retort canning pouches of the kind typically used for military rations and some varieties of tuna fish.
Those little gimmicky vacuum sealers you can get at Bed, Bath, and Beyond just won’t cut it if you want to make spaghetti today that you can eat at 25 years from now while staring blankly at a collage of pictures and keepsakes from before Hell came to Earth. Industrial grade is where it’s at.
A good industrial vacuum sealer ranges from anywhere between $500 to a couple of thousand. Add in the price of the pouches (around $.25-$.50 each) and you’re looking at spending more money than most people make in a few months. But when you’re scarfing down a 30-year-old meatloaf that doesn’t taste a day over 22 as you ignore the groans of wasteland mutants clawing at your bunker’s hatch, you’ll be happy you went broke prepping meals for the end times.
It’s A Real Time Saver!
In addition to all the money you’ll spend, doomsday meal-prepping can be a significant time investment. You’re looking at making at least 10 meals day, six days a week (one day off for survival training), for at least the next seven years. However, having all your meals prepped for at least the next 50 years will free you up to enjoy your time in your spacious bunker playing fun bunker games like “What Was That Sound?” and “Russian Roulette.” If you feel a little hungry, you can crack open a pouch and quickly slurp down a meal so you can get back to really wallowing in your survivor’s remorse as you wonder if this miserable fate could’ve been avoided if more people like you had channeled their efforts into bettering the human race instead of prepping for an avoidable annihilation. You likely won’t be able to sleep, but at least you won’t be up all night crying and hungry.