Christian Wrestling Indie Federation Gears Up For “Heck On A Deck” PPV
As Hell in a Cell 2019 quickly approaches (airing via WWE and Pay Per View on October 6th), a new wrestling faction is taking a decidedly different approach to the now-iconic cage-style match. The For Him Wrestling Federation (FHWF) will officially make its PPV debut with “Heck on a Deck,” airing on October 7th. The Stoodingburg County wrestling organization has partnered up with the local churches of several denominations for this Christian pro wrestling extravaganza.
“All of our wrestlers, heel and babyface alike, believe that Jesus Christ did the job for our sins,” explains promoter/pastor Larry Bilcox. “It was Christ’s willingness to put humanity over that allowed us to team up with our Creator in an eternal tag team championship reign.”
It’s JesusMania Running Mild!
Speaking of tag teams, the main Heck on a Deck event will feature the Catholics of Chaos (two youth pastors dressed up as mother superiors who enter the ring to an A.J. Styles-like “They Don’t Want … Nun” theme song) against the reigning champions, Pious Peter & Good Tom. They’ll duke it out on a 20’ x 20’ wooden deck situated next to Pastor Bilcox’s giant in-ground baptism pool. The deck is surrounded by “earthly temptations” that the wrestlers must avoid, such as wine coolers, vape pens, and foreign films.
The semi-main event sees the FHWF champion, “Stormin’ Mormon” Drake Norman, defend his title against the Born Again Brawler. Longtime indie wrestling fans may recognize the Born Again Brawler as veteran wrestler Satan Sexhave, formerly the raunchiest devil-worshiping grappler in the Midwest. He gave himself over to the Lord six months ago, making him the hottest new face in the FHWF right now.
“For my entire life, I was wrestling with God, much like Jacob in the Book of Genesis,” said the Brawler. “It wasn’t until I finally tapped out to His wisdom (and got a pretty gnarly STI) that I took my life back. Now, I’m sober, my sex addiction is under control, and I have all these new friends.”
Brawler then pointed to a crowded table of white men wearing polo shirts and khakis, which make up the majority of the roster and fanbase of the FHWF.
Other Attractions Will Include:
– Headlockin’ Holy Hal vs. The Samaritan
– Greg “Good Guy with a Gun” vs. The Abortion Stopper
– A Good Message Sermon by Pastor Bilcox
– No women’s matches of any kind, for they place women in unholy positions and tempt the nethers of good men.
After the main event, the show will turn into a pool party with free fruit punch, so attendees should bring their swimsuits (no bikinis, ladies). Just stay away from Pastor Bilcox’s backyard shed. If anyone comes out of that shed, Pastor Bilcox says to ignore them, but to let him know.
Ticket and PPV purchases can be made at the Church of Established Glory’s website. Cash or credit card only, as cryptocurrency is against the Lord.