What’s Sex With A Man Like? Our Writers Want To Know
Recently, it has come to our attention that many of us here at Bunny Ears have a pretty major gap in our knowledge base. Don’t get us wrong—we’re experts on many things. We know all about stuff like face masks, organic cage-free alligator sausage, and how to use a cozy weighted blanket to help get rid of a body. But turns out almost none of us here on staff know about one fairly critical topic: Sex with a human being.
Yes, we’ve heard about it in rap songs and from pamphlets, and we know it must at least be as great as McDonald’s because those are the two things they miss most on Orange Is the New Black. But what’s sex really like?
That’s what we set to find out.
We started our investigation by heading to what we believed to be a full-proof source: Editor-in-Chief Shawn’s Gammy (Gammy has lived through two World Wars and is a treasure-trove of life experience). However, upon hearing from us, she simply screamed, “WE ARE CATHOLIC” and hung up the phone.
We then turned to Lilia, our on-site psychic. But Lilia just kept saying stuff like, “You’re joking, right? This has got to be a joke. Oh my God I hope you’re all joking.” It was weird, and we moved on.
We then tasked several of our writers to read Madame Bovary in its original French (because that’s the sexy book and French is the language of love). Unfortunately, it turned out the readers only had a rudimentary grasp of Flaubert’s native tongue and could mostly only suss out the novel’s warning against living beyond one’s material means (which we could all agree was horse shit).
We eventually thought about baking one of those “Better Than Sex” chocolate cakes, but ultimately decided that what we really needed was an “Exactly Like Sex” chocolate cake if we wanted our answers. We couldn’t find a recipe for that, so were forced to keep moving. Just when we were about to give up entirely, we suddenly remembered an unexplored option: The Bunny Ears after-school internship program! Specifically, Mercedes, because she seems like a “cool girl.”
Mercedes admittedly seemed a little weirded out when we approached her in the hallway (her school hallway, because she only works at Bunny Ears two days a week and we needed answers pronto). Things only went downhill when we explained why we were there. Specifically, she laughed in our faces and eventually jumped in the car with her boyfriend’s stepmom. We were subsequently escorted out by security because apparently an “assortment of childless grown adults have no place loitering in a high school cafeteria.” Another dead end.
While we here at Bunny Ears might not have found our answers just yet, we refuse to be discouraged. We’re confident we will one day finally know what sex with a human is like. Someday. Somehow.