Goop Said “Use Blue Cocoon!” But The One In This Cave Tried To Eat Me

It was a fairly unremarkable day as a writer for Bunny Ears.  I woke up around 3PM, hungover, logged into the work Slack and realized we had kidnapped one of the therapists for Goop. My position requires me to remotely contact the main office, as is typical in the current freelance gig economy. I was already used to the work Slack channel being less about work and more about tracking down unaccounted for blood stains and what trendy rocks we were stuffing in our orifices this week.

What was surprising is that Goop actually responded to our demands. I honestly thought we were going to kill the guy. One of their skin care recommendations was for a blue cocoon. Turns out there is a local legend about that very thing. I was getting tired of my boring moisturizer routine. My boyfriend has been begging me to go hiking with him for weeks. It’s like this job was made for me.

The Blue Cocoon

The two of us found the cave and the first thing we noticed was this chirping sound. Like impossibly large cicada mandibles grinding together, devouring something unseen. My man had nervous reservations, but honestly if this has the Gwyneth Paltrow seal of approval I’ll take her word over his.

After some insistence on my part, he led the way, flashlight in hand. The walls held a faint indigo phosphorescence, but not enough to light the path. The cave didn’t have a lot of diverging pathways, just straight down. It was almost like strolling deeper and deeper into a cavernous esophagus. The chittering insect sounds grew louder the further we went, and occasionally we would hear fluttering wings but whatever was attached was too quick to spot.

This better get rid of the bags under my eyes or I will have some extremely stern words for the Goop Facebook page.

Unforgettable Results

Things got a bit confusing after that. At one point the flashlight clattered to the ground, and as my boyfriend and I looked down we realized half his arm was still grasping it and spasming. The light passed over his face for a moment and I saw it contort in horrified realization before he was instantly dragged away into the darkness by some unseen force, screaming my name the entire time.

Note to self: Remember to get a refund for his birthday present.

After some wet crunching sounds in the distance, the whole cave went quiet. I continued forward, my desire for youthful skin and revitalized pores compelling me. The cocoon had chosen me, I realized. My boyfriend was unworthy, as was most of this brittle unmoisturized species called “human.” As I confidently strode forward, I found myself finally in the presence of the Blue Cocoon. The cocoon was more beautiful than my formerly feeble brain could comprehend.

Now I feel so refreshed every day. My skin is positively radiant through the benevolent nourishment of the blue cocoon. This connection resonates in the deepest parts of what replaced my soul.

I apologize for cutting this short, but I hear someone at the door. Or rather I smell them. They smell dry. Unclean.

Human.