How To Have Sex On A Beach (And Other Places That Seemed Fun As A Virgin)

Lifestyle blogs and magazines offer an endless supply of sex tips, whether or not the staff has actually tried any of them. But we’ve tried everything here in the Bunny Ears office. You should see our mangled genitals. They’re a slop-fest. Totally unrecognizable. That’s why, when I was asked to come up with even more sex tips somehow, I decided it was time to go back to the basics. And I mean all the way back. Back to before I—along with everyone else—realized what a nightmare it would be to have sex on a beach and a bunch of other horribly uncomfortable places. Places like …

Hot Tub Sex

Hot tub sex seems super romantic, right? All of us non-virgins know how this goes, but here’s how it goes for those of you with untarnished genitals: You get in a hot tub. You try to put a condom on in the hot tub. You throw out the condom. Repeat. Repeat again. You reach the end of your string of condoms. You ask your partner(s) if they’ve been tested. You attempt sex without a condom. You realize water isn’t a good lubricant. You apply lubricant, because you’ve had sex before so you’ve actually thought about lubrication ahead of time, but the water keeps removing the lubricant. You realize you’ve ruined the pool. When hotel security shows up, you make a mad dash for your swimsuits. You get escorted out of the hotel.

Sex On A Beach

This act and the drink it inspired both seem super fun if you’re an underage virgin, but try finding an empty stretch of beach without any tourists, lifeguards, or judgmental seagulls. Unless you own your own private island, there’s going to be a lot of unsexy wandering around, and you’ll probably just give up and go home. We tried a beach orgy on the private Bunny Ears island where we hold all our illegal rites of passage, hazing, and body sports, and we’re still trying to get the sand out of all our flaps and folds two months later. Also, Matt keeps finding sand crabs in his dresser. Also, nobody likes cranberry juice.

Spontaneous BDSM

BDSM just happens, right? No preparation needed! Just bring a date home and tie them to your bed. No, not with that cord—you’re gonna need that to charge your phone. No, not with pantyhose, they’ll rip. Also, why do you, a virgin in 2018, own pantyhose? Once you find something with which to tie up your date, who has been waiting patiently on the bed while their ardor fades with everything second, you get to spend several silent minutes tying up your date. You can try dirty talk, then realize you’re not comfortable with that yet, leave your date tied to the bed, go to a public speaking or improv class, return, and try dirty talk again. See? Spontaneous!

Sex In A Car On A Boat

Many virgins find this idea attractive after the parents they live with screen Titanic, so it might seem like a good idea to try it out on a sexy cruise vacation—until you realize guests on cruises don’t generally bring their cars. Now you’re just stuck on this boat. You can try to find where the crew keeps their cars, but it’s not specified on that little map next to the elevator, and it turns out you need a special service key to get to the floor where the cars are.

Try borrowing the service elevator key from the cruise comedian. Trust me, this is not where she pictured her life going, and she doesn’t give a shit if you just take the key. You will find that all the cars are locked, because the crew isn’t composed wholly of idiots, and just end up having sex on top of the first mate’s 2015 Prius C. It’s kind of a round slippery car, but fuck it, you’ve worked hard to get here and it’s good enough.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay