How To Stop Calling Your Personal Trainer At 3AM To Yell JUST LET ME BE FAT BRAD
Having a personal trainer is great but who likes working out? Why move your body around like a poor building rocks for money or whatever when you could just wait for a sexy android body to come on the market someday? It’s tough; the urge to call your personal trainer at 3AM to screech JUST LET ME BE FAT BRAD can be overwhelming. You don’t need to verbally abuse your sweet Brad though; you simply have to trick him. Here are some great tips for maintaining the prestige of a personal trainer without all the hassle of being physically fit.
Tell him you have no bones.
Lay face down on the floor and say into the carpet “Sorry Brad I have no idea what happened to them but it looks like all of my bones are gone now. Obviously I can’t workout with no bones. Feel free to come back tomorrow when they might possibly have reappeared. They might still be gone though, as this is a medical mystery.” This will probably buy you a week of freedom before your Brad becomes concerned.
Pretend you have traveled back in time from a future where you already exercised.
Hint to your Brad that you are a scientist with questionable ethics. Try saying things like, “Do you have any dogs Brad? Because I’m looking for some dogs to sew wings on like those monkeys in the wizard of OZ.” Then cover an unused wardrobe in tinfoil and pop out of it right as Brad arrives at your home. Make sure to wear your exercise clothes, and spray yourself with a water bottle first, or take a shower if you want it to look like you really worked hard. Explain to your Brad that you are far too tired from all of the exercising you did in the future to exercise even more here in the past. At some point your Brad may ask to see the future. You will then have to smash the wardrobe with a baseball bat and switch tactics.
Tell him you are worried you have undiscovered X-Man powers that will destroy him.
Print up a pamphlet explaining that undiscovered X-Man powers are the leading cause of personal trainer deaths. X-Man powers are triggered by stressful situations and exercise is very stressful. If you have undiscovered X-Man powers the person closest to you when your powers are triggered is always the one who ends up getting hurt. Inform your Brad that it’s paramount to his own safety that you not exercise around him or at all.
Explain that you have legally married carbs.
Don’t worry you don’t have to actually get married! You can easily print a fake marriage certificate off the Internet. Then simply Photoshop a wedding photo of you and a loaf of bread (standing in for the greater concept of all carbs). Conveniently purchase a real wedding gown, cover it in breadcrumbs, and place it somewhere Brad will “accidentally” stumble across it. Quickly bake a five-tier wedding cake, throw half of it in the garbage and offer Brad the leftovers. Then say “Sorry Brad but as I now have a legal and binding marriage to the concept of carbs you can no longer separate us. To do so would be cruel and unusual punishment as we are breads and wife.”
Say you’ve prayed on it and the lord really isn’t into you exercising.
Explain to your Brad that you have spoken with God through the medium of prayer and he has informed you that he wishes your body to naturally expand until you are soft and squishy as the lord (He) intended. If he (your Brad) pushes back ask him who he is to question Gods word?
Demand Surprise Exercise.
The concept of surprise exercise was invented in Tibet by Armie Hammer. If you can’t get your Brad to leave you alone, you can at least make your exercise more pleasant by ensuring it only comes when you’re least expecting it. Ask your Brad to hide in various places throughout your house, the pantry, the library, the sharkitorium. Then when you’re on your way to grab a snack or make your sharks fight, have Brad jump out at you and force you to exercise. You can try and fight him off if you want, but just know fighting is a type of exercise. Passive resistance is often the best method for fending off unwanted exercise.