Why Ham Is The Best Easter Meal—By Me, A Bunny
Hey, everyone! It’s Tragic, the Bunny Ears bunny, here with a very special Easter message transcribed by one of the plebes down at the office on account of my lack of fingers. We know, dear reader, that every year, you have a conundrum: Rabbit or ham for your Easter meal? What’s the best option for replenishing all those famished egg-hunters? Both traditional holiday dishes have their advantages, but I, a bunny, am here to tell you why you should choose pig.
The Cuddle Factor
They’re way less cute, for one thing. I mean, look at me! Look at my fluffy little tail! You know you wanna snuggle the shit out of me. Have you ever tried to snuggle a pig? They’re not cool with it. I’ll let you snuggle me all you want. It’s true that I don’t have any ears, which is why I must wear these prostheses, but if you think about it, that just makes me cuter. “Poor bun! He lost his ears in a vague but unfortunate industrial accident! I definitely don’t want to eat him.”
Putting The “Christ” Back In Eastchrister
Also, consider the religious implications. On this day meant for honoring the Lord’s return, doesn’t it seem more appropriate to thumb your nose at that outdated Old Testament he railed against by eating some dirty, dirty pig? They’re so dirty. But so tasty. Also, keep in mind on this most Christian of holidays that those certain other religions forbid the eating of pork. It’s a great way to stick it to the marginalized man, is all I’m saying. (Yes, I’m willing to throw my lot in with an unsavory element here. I’m just trying to survive).
We Have Reached The Slut-Shaming Section
If you’re more into the fertility rite aspect of things, you might think that rabbits are a more appropriate symbolic Easter meal due to all the fuckin’, but you’re clearly not aware of what huge sluts pigs are. I live on a celebrity farm, and lemme tell you, I’ve seen some shit. I know the pig from both Charlotte’s Web and Babe, and to say that Charlotte—with her thousands of babies—wasn’t even the biggest skank on that set is a huge understatement. There’s a reason they call it “porking.” Did you know that a pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes? They actually don’t, but I have no qualms about spreading misinformation in an attempt to smear those delicious bastards.
Frankly, I find the stereotype of “humping like bunnies” hurtful. We are a simple, fluffy people, and we get our rocks off by adorably nibbling clover and reading the latest comic books. We’re nerds, just like you! I, for one, haven’t gotten laid in years. No, those aren’t my 47 children behind me. Never seen them before in my life.
Honestly, I don’t know where this whole “Easter Bunny” thing even got started. It has nothing to do with the holiday. However, if it works better for you, I’m totally willing to spin it the other way: You don’t want to eat the Easter Bunny, do you? How are you going to explain to your children that you’re serving the friendly character they just took photos with down at the mall? No one likes confronting the cruelties of the food chain after a long day of egg-hunting. And bunnies don’t even lay eggs! Oh, you know who does, though? Chickens. Have you considered delicious chicken for the big Easter meal? Think about it.