Great Ways To Sneak In Some Day Drinking This Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is the perfect chance for your kids and partner to show you how much they buy into commercialized crap holidays instead of actually expending the effort to form a meaningful relationship with you. In recognition of that garbage, here’s what you really need: A guide to all the ways to get in a nip or two of mommy juice without those ungrateful bastards ever knowing. That’s right folks, we’re going Mother’s Day day drinking.

During Your Breakfast In Bed

Ah, the joys of burned toast, half-cooked scrambled eggs, and unshaken orange juice. Orange juice: There’s your opportunity. Stash a flask of vodka under the mattress the night before, and tell any curious minxes it’s Mommy’s morning medicine if they catch you pouring it in. Now you’re ready to face the day!

Your Very Special Spa Day

Wasn’t it sweet for your husband to tell you that, this year, you are allowed to have “any spa treatment you want” with the money you jointly own? How thoughtful of him! Of course, sometimes what Mommy needs is a deep-tissue massage for her liver, not her shoulders. Luckily, there’s a chain Mexican joint two doors down from the strip mall day spa, and their margaritas are the size of your regrets. Drink up.

Mother’s Day Dinner

You were a little too tipsy to get angry when you got home to find that your family had forgotten to make dinner reservations because “oh, shoot, don’t you usually do that?” so it’s pizza. Not even from the place you like, because the kids will only eat Dominos. That’s it. You’re going to treat yourself to a beer. “Beers are for daddys,” one child squeaks while the other worries aloud about your increasingly slurred speech and uncoordinated movements, but it’s drink number six for the day, and your buzz is too thick to penetrate. At last, sweet relief. Happy Mother’s Day day drinking, everybody.

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