How to Start Your Rosé Popsicle Stand in 3 Easy Steps, As Long As One of Them Is Being Incredibly Rich
We all feel those summer blues, when the sun is hot, the beach is crowded with commoners, and the long afternoons seem to stretch on with nothing to fill our ample free time. That’s why summer is the perfect time to dive headfirst into a new hobby or interest like it’s going to be the thing that changes your life forever. After all, three months is an optimal amount of time to be passionate about something before fall rolls around and you move on to the next life-changing obsession. (Pull on your favorite pair of cashmere socks, because we have a feeling it’s going to be vintage boots.)
That’s why I started my own rosé popsicle stand! It’s the perfect grown-up twist on the popsicle stands of your nostalgia-tainted childhood. On hot days, these adorable boozy little ice pops are the only things on anyone’s mind, aside from ozone depletion and the ongoing sixth mass extinction. Follow these three easy steps, and in no time at all, you’ll have a chic little side venture going, one that will absolutely hold your interest for at least 10 weeks.
1. Be incredibly, unbelievably, hilariously wealthy.
Silk awnings and trendy teak fittings aren’t cheap, and neither are the vast quantities of imported rosé you’ll run through before you figure out the right temperature to set the freezer. We haven’t even gotten started on transportation, permits, and the outdoor air conditioning units you’ll need in order to keep your beach-wave hair looking lively. Be prepared to funnel a fair number of zeroes into your summer fling. As they say, you can’t make an omelet without melting a few ice caps!
Ideally, inherit or marry into your riches. The less conception you have of the value and work behind those dollars, the more comfortable you’ll be with blowing thousands of them on this ridiculous brilliant business venture.
2. Location, location, location
The second-best location for your rosé popsicle stand is a once-diverse and culturally-rich neighborhood that is currently undergoing steady gentrification into a formulaic patchwork of cobblestone pavilions, decorative shrubs, and Anthropologie storefronts.
The best location for your rosé popsicle stand is a neighborhood where the gentrification has already finished happening, where you can pay a respectable premium on a 10-ft. slot only minutes away from the newest location of your favorite juice bar.
3. Use buzzwords like a pro
Is anyone really going to pay $14 for a rosé popsicle, even if you went to the trouble of freezing it in a mold shaped like an astrological sign? Well, if you followed step two properly, then yes, maybe. But you’ll have a much higher rate of success if you pack your promotional materials with relevant keywords. Don’t just start an organic rosé popsicle stand; start an Organic Revitalizing Rosé Pop-Up Booth with options like Classic Rejuvenating Rosé, Tingly Açaí Berry Rosé, and Cardamom Rosé with Avocado Toast.
These three easy steps are truly all it takes to have a successful rosé popsicle stand! Who knows, maybe demand will be so huge that you’ll have to put your hand-braided kelp lanyard business on temporary hiatus. Of course, you’re not in it for material wealth—you’re in it for the spiritual and life-affirming benefits and the thrill you get from striking out on your own! Also, it gives you another reason to day-drink. What are you waiting for?
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…