How to Tell Your Kids There’s A Baby in Your Tummy—Because You Ate One

Your belly is starting to swell, and everyone says you’re glowing. There’s no doubt about it: You have a baby in your tummy—because you ate one. It might be hard for your child to comprehend that you swallowed another child because you think it will keep you from ever growing old, and that’s okay. It’s difficult for a lot of adults, particularly the authorities, to comprehend, too. That’s why your Supper Club is sworn to secrecy. But there are ways to let your child know about the changes going on inside your body. Specifically the digestive process.

Explain How The Baby Got In Your Tummy

Explain to your kids the magic of what’s going on inside your body. You are a part of a group of wealthy individuals who come together once a month to steal the youth from infants. It started out as just eating the placenta, but someone realized the whole baby contains growth hormones that are the key to immortality and aren’t found anywhere else. Nobody seems to age, and that’s the miracle of life and never having to face death. What could be more beautiful than that?

Tell Them The Baby Won’t Replace Them

Your children might be excited that a new baby is about to join your family. As a mother, it can be difficult to let your child down by telling them you’re not actually pregnant. You keep clutching your belly because the baby inside it is giving you acid reflux and possibly a little bit of food poisoning.

Be Prepared To Answer Questions

Your child might have a lot of questions, so be prepared to have a lot of answers. Some of the questions that normally come up in this situation are:

• “Will you eat me, too?”
• “Why am I too old for you to eat me?”
• “Why do fresh peasant babies have the most nutrients?”
• “Will I be expected to eat a baby when I’m your age?”
• “But what if I don’t want to?”
• “What do you mean I’ll develop a taste for babies when I’m 40?”
• “Is immortality even worth it if you have to do horrible things to get it?”

Reassure your children (and prevent them from running away) by letting them know that if your Supper Club ever came for them, you would hide them. They’re your children. If anyone is going to eat them, it’s you. But you won’t.

If you like this, you’ll ALSO probably like How To Look Pregnant Enough To Literally Do Whatever You Want.

Images: Pixabay