How To Look Pregnant Enough To Do Literally Whatever You Want
While I’m at home, enjoying my maternity leave, I’m reflecting on all of the great looks I’ve worn throughout my pregnancy. Let me tell you, maternity fashion isn’t as easy as it may seem. But, take my advice, and you too can look like the most adorable mom-to-be out there. I say, be proud of your bump. Accentuate your bump. And you will see all the bump can do for you.
Your grandma was onto something when she spent her days lounging in a house dress. These dresses are lightweight, affordable and come in so many fun colors, you can get one for every day of the week. (On Wednesdays, I wear pink!) The pockets are perfect for storing snacks, be they M&Ms or, if you’re really leaning into clichés, pickles and a spoon for ice cream. This dress is perfect for kicking back with your feet up, on the couch, binge-watching whatever your little pregnant heart desires.
A Classic Black Maxi Dress
Stick to solid colors to look pregnant, and avoid crazy patterns and stripes to look like Fatty McFatterson. I love a black maxi dress because it hugs your bump, and if you pass out drunk in it as I often do, it’s soft and comfortable enough to sleep in. Also, if your belly accidentally slips low, it’s less obvious since the maxi drapes all the way to the floor.
A Knit Cardigan
Large, big, oversized knit cardigans are perfect for your pregnancy. One like this doesn’t hug you in any of the wrong places and you can throw it over that maxi dress of yours. This is ideal for making your pregnancy work, year-round, no matter what the season is. The oversized pockets are perfect for a bottle of a summery Chardo, or a flask of whisky, in the winter. Hey, you never know when you’re going to want that month off from work or to steal your sister’s thunder the day she gets engaged!
Leather Maternity Leggings
Leather leggings are hot, but in the past, I didn’t always feel like cramming my ass into them. But, the maternity kind are much more forgiving. And, they still show off your booty. A booty that now will always get a seat, no matter how crowded the subway, bus, or auditorium is. You can take these leggings from day to night. Because that HR bitch who scolded me for wearing leggings because they were “inappropriate” will think twice before saying anything to a pregnant woman trying her best to dress for her constantly changing body.
Distressed Denim Skinny Jeans
Being “pregnant” is great; you get to live like a fat person but without any of the shame. And, nothing disguises your piggish ways better than a pair of pregnancy skinny jeans. You know how after a thick burrito you have to unbutton your pants right there at the table? Well, these jeans DON’T HAVE BUTTONS. Can you imagine the freedom? There is a stretchy waistband that goes over your belly for the utmost comfort. So eat that burrito, pregnant or not. Just keep these jeans on!
And obviously you need…
The Right Bump
Yes, we’ve all put a balloon under our dress as a kid and laughed about being pregnant. Some of you may think you can get away with a cantaloupe or a watermelon. But let me tell you, if you’re going to fully enjoy all the pros of pregnancy (without any of the cons) you’ve got to splurge on a believable false pregnancy belly, like this one here. Trust me, I tried strapping a watermelon on for a day and it killed my back. And, a pack of coyotes chased me down a hiking trail which was not enjoyable! Now, obviously a real pregnant belly changes size throughout pregnancy, but if you’re not a billionaire who is able to splurge on monthly false bellies, I’d recommend buying the 6-7 month one. With that, you are undeniably pregnant, and depending on how your body works, could be about to pop, or still have a few more months to go. So, what are you waiting for? Strap on that belly and let the fun begin!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…