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…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
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…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
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…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
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… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
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…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
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…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
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…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…

How To Throw An Engagement Party So Intimate Even Your Dad Will Get Pregnant

intimate engagement party

Most anyone who’s been married can tell you that your wedding day will be special, meaningful — and unfortunately — often impersonal. The bride and groom spend so much time graciously saying hello to each and every guest that, even though you talk to everyone, it feels like you connect with almost no one. Which is why many couples opt to throw a smaller, more intimate engagement party where you can celebrate exclusively with your nearest and dearest.

And we here at Bunny Ears have curated a list of engagement party tips that will make the occasion so intimate even your dad will get pregnant. Literally. This party will be so goddamn romantic that your father — a human male — will leave with child, defying both science and the laws of nature as we know them.

So let’s get started!

Mood Lighting

candles

As many of our readers surely know, actress and Goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow recently threw an engagement party that was described as both “romantic and intimate.” Sources revealed this was largely due to an abundance of candles. So turn down any harsh overhead lighting and instead opt for candlelight and warm-toned bulbs.

Fragrant Flowers

flowers

We recommend orchids and jasmine for daytime parties and roses (preferably in classic red) for evening affairs.

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Serve Natural Aphrodisiacs And Also Lace The Food With Ketamine

pills

Foods are powerful aphrodisiacs in and of themselves, so opt to serve dishes that include ingredients like oysters, ginseng, figs, and pomegranates. Also, lace those dishes with the horse tranquilizer Ketamine (or “Special K” as it’s known among most rave-goers). It causes both memory loss and dissociation — a perfect combination for helping your guests get comfortable with one another, and fast.

Supply Sex Rooms

sex room

Now that you’ve got everyone all horned up with the flowers and Ketamine, they’re going to need an actual place to make the babies. And that’s where the sex rooms come in. Make sure to rent an event space with multiple side rooms, closets, and/or orgy chambers so guests like your dad can get to humping and bumping as soon as the mood strikes.

Make Your Dad Ingest A State-Of-The Art Fertility Drug Just Like In The Movie Junior

Junior

This part is arguably the most critical for getting your dad pregnant (and that’s really the whole point of this whole racket anyway, right?). As we said before, male pregnancy defies the laws of both science and nature, meaning you’re gonna have to take the reins a little on this one. Develop a fertility drug so powerful it will enable even a 64-year-old human man like your dad to conceive. Ensure that your dad has been taking said fertility drug for at least eight weeks prior to the party, and make sure you have a viable ovum on hand since your dad (obviously) doesn’t produce his own eggs.

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And there you have it! A surefire way to throw an intimate engagement party so romantic even your dad, Jerry Goldstein, will get pregnant. Now you’ll have two things to celebrate: Your upcoming nuptials, and the new life growing inside your father. Just like you’ve always wanted!

Images: Pexels / Pexels / Pexels / Pexels / Eyes Wide Shut, Warner Bros / Junior, Universal Pictures

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