Most anyone who’s been married can tell you that your wedding day will be special, meaningful — and unfortunately — often impersonal. The bride and groom spend so much time graciously saying hello to each and every guest that, even though you talk to everyone, it feels like you connect with almost no one. Which is why many couples opt to throw a smaller, more intimate engagement party where you can celebrate exclusively with your nearest and dearest.
And we here at Bunny Ears have curated a list of engagement party tips that will make the occasion so intimate even your dad will get pregnant. Literally. This party will be so goddamn romantic that your father — a human male — will leave with child, defying both science and the laws of nature as we know them.
So let’s get started!
As many of our readers surely know, actress and Goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow recently threw an engagement party that was described as both “romantic and intimate.” Sources revealed this was largely due to an abundance of candles. So turn down any harsh overhead lighting and instead opt for candlelight and warm-toned bulbs.
We recommend orchids and jasmine for daytime parties and roses (preferably in classic red) for evening affairs.
Serve Natural Aphrodisiacs And Also Lace The Food With Ketamine
Foods are powerful aphrodisiacs in and of themselves, so opt to serve dishes that include ingredients like oysters, ginseng, figs, and pomegranates. Also, lace those dishes with the horse tranquilizer Ketamine (or “Special K” as it’s known among most rave-goers). It causes both memory loss and dissociation — a perfect combination for helping your guests get comfortable with one another, and fast.
Supply Sex Rooms
Now that you’ve got everyone all horned up with the flowers and Ketamine, they’re going to need an actual place to make the babies. And that’s where the sex rooms come in. Make sure to rent an event space with multiple side rooms, closets, and/or orgy chambers so guests like your dad can get to humping and bumping as soon as the mood strikes.
Make Your Dad Ingest A State-Of-The Art Fertility Drug Just Like In The Movie Junior
This part is arguably the most critical for getting your dad pregnant (and that’s really the whole point of this whole racket anyway, right?). As we said before, male pregnancy defies the laws of both science and nature, meaning you’re gonna have to take the reins a little on this one. Develop a fertility drug so powerful it will enable even a 64-year-old human man like your dad to conceive. Ensure that your dad has been taking said fertility drug for at least eight weeks prior to the party, and make sure you have a viable ovum on hand since your dad (obviously) doesn’t produce his own eggs.
And there you have it! A surefire way to throw an intimate engagement party so romantic even your dad, Jerry Goldstein, will get pregnant. Now you’ll have two things to celebrate: Your upcoming nuptials, and the new life growing inside your father. Just like you’ve always wanted!