Non-Phallic Sex Toys For When You Wanna Get Plowed By A Muppet
No one wants to talk about it, but everyone has at least one Muppet that they’d like inside of them. (Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: For most people, it’s Sam Eagle.) Truly, one of the last taboos, their alluring colorful coats conceal a mysterious wonderland of flesh and orifices. Unfortunately, Jim Henson Studios hasn’t released any official anatomy textbooks, but we can at least approximate with the following colorful and non-phallic sex toys clearly designed to simulate the awesome sensation of Muppintercourse.
Take In Kermit’s Love With This Lime Green Rabbit
There’s no shame in blasting yourself while humming “The Rainbow Connection” under your breath, so why not do it with this fittingly green rabbit vibrator? In your heart, you know it to be a close approximation to the man-phibian hybrid penis dangling between those skinny felt legs. There’s no shame in cutting a hole in your sea foam shag bath mat and sticking this baby through to complete the fantasy! Get creative!
The Swedish Chef Is Going Down On You With This Waterproof Clitoral Stimulator
What red-blooded American doesn’t dream of hearing a muffled “bork, bork, bork” resonating from their love crevices? The Swedish Chef is the barrel-chested Burt Reynolds of the Muppet world, his every pore oozing with raw masculinity, yet he also lives to serve you (in more ways than one!) on this special night. Light some candles and cook up those meatballs before giving yourself a full serving of this felt stallion.
We didn’t bother to research what an actual eagle’s dick looks like for this recommendation. We didn’t need to. Getting Sam Eagle all up in you is less about the thrill of loving a bird and more about loving America itself. This is the closest you’ll ever get to fucking a founding father without a shovel and security clearance, so why not do your patriotic duty and explode your canoe with this beautiful blue egg?
Nubby and inoffensive, slightly lighter than the rest of the body, this petite and discreet vibrator is exactly what you’d imagine Elmo’s fantasy penis to look like. Sure, his childlike demeanor might throw you off at first, but rest assured that this old soul has had 33 years to master his member like a cowboy tames his rope, and boy, will he lasso you in with his “tickle me” charm if you let him!
This Is Likely What Gonzo’s Weird Dick Looks Like
Clearly, the result of some irradiated lab experiment, Gonzo’s wang is likely the sort of sexual abomination you fear but can’t help craving at the same time. Like Taco Bell, you simply need to swallow this tube of meat no matter how bad it makes you feel after. Get weird with this blue and “hairy simulation” as you imagine Gonzo the Great performing his daredevil acts on your awaiting loins.
We’ve all imagined it: One late night, you’re working at the lab when you suddenly realize that your bosses are also working late. “Why, I’m tickled pink to see you toiling away so diligently!” he says, his eyes giving you a discreet once-over from under his thick-rimmed glasses. “Mee-mee! Mee-mee! Mee-mee, mee-mee, mee-mee! Mee-mee!” purrs his partner, slowly unzipping his lab coat. Prepare you get your conical flasks filled, because it’s going to be a long night!
Fozzie Bear’s Swollen Purple Cock
Thanks to the toy designers over at Bad Dragon, we now have an accurate approximation of the distended and angry monster hiding in Fozzie Bear’s matted brown fur. Vascular and pulsing with the beat of his grizzly heart, this thick beast will have you gripping his dotted scarf for dear life as he ravishes your vag like a camper’s sleeping bag. After just one round with this bad boy, you’ll be wocka-walkin’ funny. We can promise you that!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…