Everybody poops. It’s not just a popular children’s book. It’s a fact of life. Bowel movements allow your body to expel waste and are a vital part of our natural functions. But while everyone does it, not everyone does it with the same frequency. In an effort to give you our best advice on getting regular, we sought out excrement experts on Craigslist, and some guy answered in literally, like, 20 seconds. He was actually the only one, and he kept emailing us until we responded. Here’s what he had to say.
ARE YOU REGULAR?
First things first. His name is Greg, but right away he said everyone calls him Crispy (we didn’t ask why). He said he’s put a lot of thought into this over the years, and while he doesn’t hold a degree in Gastroenterology—or anything else—he felt he could shed some light on the subject.
According to his “research,” he’d charted customer defecations at an Arby’s near his house from anywhere between one and five times a day. He said there were, of course, outliers based on meat specials and whether they had just bought coke in the parking lot behind the CVS. He had pictures which we won’t share with you, but will never forget.
One of our editors asked how he knew the frequency, considering most people would use an Arby’s restroom at best once a day. Crispy just raised a finger to his lips and said, “Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.” I don’t think I was the only one who suddenly felt a shiver down my spine.
WHAT AFFECTS YOUR POOPING SCHEDULE?
According to Crispy, there are a variety of factors when it comes to regularity. Diet, exercise, and sexual predilections all come into play—in particular the last one. Also, having a middle-aged man in an Uncle Drew jersey burst into your stall with a polaroid camera can also apparently affect things, he claimed. (He had graphs to back this up, by the way).
He also ranted that no two people are the same, and each should feel blessed that they get to take part in this sacred ritual. Apparently, bowel movements are the closest we ever get to touching God, whose only son will rise again to punish the non-believers. He went on like this for awhile, but we think his point was that there’s no generally accepted number of times a person should poop a day. Either that, or that “the blacks” are damned. It was all sort of jumbled up.
WHAT DOES STOOL CONSISTENCY INDICATE?
A lot, according to Crispy. In fact, he claims you can see the future in it. A loose, sloppy stool means dark times are ahead, but a taut little turd means that you’re due for good tidings. He then took one of our editors by the hand and tried to lead her into the bathroom to do a “reading.” She shoved him and reported the whole thing to HR. So now we’ve got a legal headache on top of the fact that Crispy has been calling me every day asking if I want to hang out.
WHEN SHOULD YOU SEE A DOCTOR?
Crispy said he doesn’t trust doctors, so if you’re concerned about your bathroom schedule, just email him directly. He drives this weird van with stickers all over it that are just pictures of poop and his email address. I guess that’s how he gets the word out about his research? Maybe? He was emphatic that “snot-nosed doctors, with their fancy Ivy League degrees” don’t know anything about pooping and that they’re part of a conspiracy to keep down the real experts like him. He then showed me a binder full of photos of physicians. Two of them were crossed out, which isn’t a good sign.
Before leaving, Crispy went into our office bathroom for a good long while and came back with a conspicuously lighter backpack. We looked into it, but couldn’t find anything out of the ordinary, so we’re trying to stay calm. However, if you see anything online that looks like the Bunny Ears restroom, please let us know. I personally don’t mind, but we’ve been fielding a lot of lawsuits lately and it’s just good to cover our bases.