Pale Skin: How To Get That Perfect Porcelain Look

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Just so we’re clear up front: this not an article promoting all the virtues of being white. There’s already more than enough material out there to last a lifetime on that topic and if that’s what you’re looking for please see history books, any J. Crew outlet, Gary Busey, the current administration or the Winter Olympics.

We support and love all skin tones (except Blue Man Group). But today, I want to focus on the art of mastering pale skin. The color that can only be described as off, off, off, off-white, picture the color of a goth kid surfing or the guy from Powder in a hail storm, or Tilda Swinton on ice. Maintaining the perfect pale skin isn’t as easy as getting up every morning to yell “Hide!” But fortunately, there are some easy to follow steps into getting that ideal marshmallow glow.

First of all, enough can’t be said about completely shutting yourself in on a consistent basis. While some people wake up every morning by ripping open the curtains and blinds to allow all the light in, I highly suggest doing the exact opposite. If you’re pale-serious, greet every morning with a pep in your step, run over to the windows, and add another layer of curtains or blinds, and one single coat of thick black paint and make sure as you’re doing it, you’re yelling “NO SUN SUN IS MY FUN FUN!” It works every time.

And on a similar note make sure you get yourself a dark room. And no you don’t necessarily have to develop photographs in it although the noxious chemicals from the photographs would help morph your skin to the proper amount of pale/green color. Make sure it’s the kind of place that Johnny Depp’s character from Dark Shadows could really feel comfortable living, so black walls, black carpet, one black light, and it’s a hearse.

Always, always wear sunscreen with the highest possible SPF known to man. If you’re about to Google, “Is SPF 100 necessary?” Let me save you the trouble, yes, and keep using the computer, the radiation from the screen is burning off any remaining pigment in your face. In fact, you should start at SPF 100 and work your way up from there. I know a guy who consistently uses SPF 175, and he gets regularly confused for an endcap at Bed Bath & Beyond.

And if you really want to go the extra mile to becoming porcelain eye candy, in addition to smattering SPF 100 all over your Cool-Whip-like body, just add denim. Besides suntan lotion, there’s no more significant friend to the pasty community than denim.

We’ve all heard of the denim or Canadian tuxedo, which is denim pants along with a denim shirt. But for palelitists (pale-elitists), I recommend an outfit of denim pants, denim shirt, along with a denim handkerchief, denim cowboy hat, denim cigarettes, with denim chaps and NO BELT. This is known as the “denim rodeo,” and for extra protection, add a denim ski mask.

Finally, try to limit human interaction as much as possible. It’s okay if you have to go outside once and a while to make sure that your skin tone stands out like a glow-in-the-dark DJ at a Bar Mitzvah. But don’t make it a recurring thing, then the next thing you know your skin gets a little lighter, and you start getting confused for the worst thing imaginable, Irish.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]