Avocados And Avocadon’ts: The Case Against Our Intern

If there’s one thing on which we at the Bunny Ears office can all agree—and there isn’t much, if last week’s violent melee over which crystals are best is anything to go by—it’s that Craig sucks. Should we fire him even though he works for free and we never actually hired him in the first place? I think so.

He Leaves His Vape Cartridges Everywhere

Craig doesn’t breathe, he vapes. Our whole office smells like Cherry Berry Blast. I have slipped on three cartridges. Our office dog is dead. [EDITOR’S NOTE: He isn’t dead, Hana. He was let go.]

We Have To Feed Him

Since we keep Craig locked in our facilities for 72 hour periods, we are legally obligated to feed him, costing us tens of cents per day in off-brand kibble and slices of plain white bread. Also, he is totally ungrateful when he slinks up to our office thrones with his empty plate. We fill that plate every week! How about a “thank you,” Craig?? We even let him lick some olive oil last year.

We Have To Bathe Him

It’s Matt’s turn to bathe Craig, and he’s playing hardball. He thinks if he just waits long enough, one of us will give in and do it for him. I’m starting to crack. Craig smells like a middle-schooler in the bloom of youth. It’s disgusting.

We Can’t Harvest His Youth

Our top scientists have tried bathing in Craig’s blood, transfusing Craig’s blood, drinking Craig’s blood, and slathering Craig’s blood on their faces, but they just can’t harness the powers of his youth. What good is an intern if you can’t feed off of their exuberance and innocence like vampires? We wanted Craig to be our portrait that ages for us, but he stubbornly refuses.

He Won’t Exercise In His Wheel

We bought that wheel so Craig could run around just like he would in the wild, but he just sits in it and cries. How is Craig supposed to keep a healthy coat if he won’t run in the wheel? He runs around the office all day looking for unlocked windows, but he won’t run in his wheel? Ingrate. Run in your wheel, Craig.

His Epi-Pens Take Up Valuable Space

Our giant novelty pencil holder only holds up to 1,000 pencils, and two of those slots are taken up by Craig’s vulgar life-saving medicine. Where am I supposed to store these novelty Snoopy and Woodstock pens I got at the Charles Schultz museum in Santa Rosa? In the mechanical pencil holder? How gauche!

His Mom Keeps Calling Us

Ugh! So clingy! That lady is raising a real Norman Bates with how attached she is to her son. She calls us every week like “Can I talk to Craig?” and “Craig missed his graduation!” and “Please just prove to me Craig isn’t dead.” WE ALREADY SENT HER THE TOE. What else does this lady want??

As you can see, keeping Craig locked in our offices has been more trouble than it’s worth. I mean, look at the headline on this article. We should definitely fire the person who came up with that, right?

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