Exposed: An Exit Interview With Our Office Dog

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately, the Bunny Ears Office Dog is stepping down from his role, so our HR Department asked him to provide his thoughts on his time here, as well as on the work environment in general. He had a lot to say.]

Name and Position?

Descarti B. 2 years old. Barketing Coordinator.

Why are you leaving the company?

I can’t heckin’ take it anymore, man. If I stay here for 12 or 13 more years, I will literally die.

This isn’t the Bunny Ears I started at four dog years ago. I can’t help but feel like I’m in the prime of my life and I’m wasting it. Every day when I scamper into the office I stop short and think, “What am I even doing with my life?” I’ve tried catching my tail to stimulate my mind, but it feels like I’m just going in circles.

Do you feel like your work aligned with your personal goals and interests?

Personal goals? Heck no. I’m an artist. Is this what you really want to be doing with your life? The work I was doing here was basically just cleaning up after people. Someone drops a chip, I eat a chip. Drop a Post-It, eat a Post-It. You people have no idea how much crap you leave on the ground. I leave crap on the ground but at least I have the decency to walk in a circle to make sure I’m aligned with the Earth’s magnetic field first. You all are just dropping pens all higgledy piggledy.

Furthermore, it’s insane that Gimli the Corgi hasn’t been fired yet. His voice is so loud you can hear him on the other side of the office, which would be fine if he wasn’t always talking about his dick. You know “bark” means dick in dog, right? You might not have heard it because he says it so high only dogs can hear it, but ask Pickles in Upscale Culture. She hears it too.

Did Bunny Ears provide you with the tools and resources you needed to effectively do your job?

No. I tried Googling “barketing” and it turns out it was just a hilarious pun.

What did you like about being the office dog?

Belly rubs from Mack. His hands are like soft driftwood branches and his arms are like soft driftwood trunks. My dog mom doesn’t know how many other people in the office sneak snacks to me so that’s a fun perk.

What did you dislike about being office dog?

Probably the assumption that I’m happy all the time just because I happen to be a dog. Sometimes I’m just bummed out and don’t want a bunch of free-wheeling artists and journalists and former child stars trying to pet me. A lot of times my tail wags for like, no reason.

Would you recommend this company to a friend?

If I felt that they were a good culture fit, sure. I don’t see a small dog having a great time here but if they really cared about content creation maybe it wouldn’t matter.

What can Bunny Ears do to improve?

Hire more women in management positions. Is the little girl from Home Alone 4 busy?

Oh, and change the name of the site. Definitely. If you have dogs in the office, don’t say “bunny” so much. Do you know how maddening that is? What if I just yelled “free vegan cupcakes that don’t taste vegan” all day every day? You’d quit, too.