bunnyears

…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…

I Thought I Was Detoxing But It Was Actually Sepsis

detoxing sepsis

I haven’t exactly been feeling my best lately – low energy, dull skin tone, regular menstruation, etc. All the signs that a good old-fashioned cleanse was in order. To celebrate, I went over to my tattoo artist’s house and got myself some new ink made from only the finest all-natural organic vegetable oils and flower pigments. It’s something in Sanskrit. I don’t know what it says, but Skid Mark assures me it’s something deeply spiritual. I trust his linguistic knowledge.

detoxing sepsis

Freshly decorated, I set out to make my insides match my outsides. I mixed up my signature detox formula: a combination of cabbage leaves, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and a proprietary blend of dried roots plucked from the deepest enclaves of the Himalayas (according to the lady on the boardwalk.) I stuck it all in a blender, and got to sippin’.

It started working immediately, which was surprising, because it usually takes a day or two for the effects to really take hold. My heart started beating out of control (there’s the cayenne pepper!) And I started to feel the lightheadedness that signals a higher state of consciousness, the removal of heavy metals, and a lack of real food. I figured that this abnormal receptiveness meant this was exactly what my body needed and went about my day, treating myself to a glass of cabbage water every now and then between knitting the celebrity dog costumes that I sell on Etsy.

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detoxing sepsis

Within a few days, it was clear that my body was really responding. I was sweating out buckets of toxins, wrapping myself in the handmade quilts stitched by spiritual elders in India to replace the heat from the fat cells that were clearly leaving my body. My breathing bordered on hyperventilation as I reached what was obviously an ecstatic peak of purity. I even stopped peeing, no matter how greedily I chugged the cleansing mixture, having achieved a state of spiritual awakening that transcended mortal bodily functions. Or so I thought.

As much as I longed to remain still in my rapture, especially because it was becoming increasingly difficult to move, those dog costumes weren’t going to ship themselves. I gingerly gathered myself and my boxes and began making my way to the UPS store, but on the way to my apartment’s parking garage, I was overcome with spiritual revelry and also a distinct blackness. I collapsed.

detoxing sepsis

Some nice passersby, unaware that everything was working exactly as it should, called 911. I awoke in the hospital sometime later. Hours? Days? Time had no meaning in the dimension to which I’d been transported. I informed the doctors that there had been a mistake and I was simply experiencing a bodily and spiritual transformation, and they told me that I had sepsis.

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They started asking me a bunch of questions. Was I aware of a previous infection? Any recent illness or injury? New tattoos, piercings, etc.? Well yeah, I said, but it’s an all-natural organic artisanal tattoo. By definition, it can’t be bad for you. I showed it to them, and a nurse fainted. The doctors said that even organic flower pigments can transfer infection if proper hygiene practices aren’t followed, that they’re actually much more susceptible to decay, have I considered going to a licensed tattoo artist, etc. All kinds of Western medical nonsense. Still, I graciously allowed them to pump me full of antibiotics and other patent poison, just to make them feel better. Also, they said I couldn’t go home until they did, because I was, like, really close to dying.

So I guess the moral of the story is don’t mix cleansing with FDA-unapproved body art, because you might mistake septic shock for perfectly healthy toxin flushing. Who knew they had so many of the same symptoms? Anyway, I have to go now. I’m going to give Skid Mark a piece of my mind.

Images: romana klee and istolethetv

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