I Thought I Was Detoxing, But It Was Actually Sepsis
…RIP KOKO…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Hats are cool…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Waldo still missing…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…God found dead in space…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Queen Kong???…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
Cancer linked to death!
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…

I Thought I Was Detoxing But It Was Actually Sepsis

detoxing sepsis

I haven’t exactly been feeling my best lately – low energy, dull skin tone, regular menstruation, etc. All the signs that a good old-fashioned cleanse was in order. To celebrate, I went over to my tattoo artist’s house and got myself some new ink made from only the finest all-natural organic vegetable oils and flower pigments. It’s something in Sanskrit. I don’t know what it says, but Skid Mark assures me it’s something deeply spiritual. I trust his linguistic knowledge.

detoxing sepsis

Freshly decorated, I set out to make my insides match my outsides. I mixed up my signature detox formula: a combination of cabbage leaves, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and a proprietary blend of dried roots plucked from the deepest enclaves of the Himalayas (according to the lady on the boardwalk.) I stuck it all in a blender, and got to sippin’.

It started working immediately, which was surprising, because it usually takes a day or two for the effects to really take hold. My heart started beating out of control (there’s the cayenne pepper!) And I started to feel the lightheadedness that signals a higher state of consciousness, the removal of heavy metals, and a lack of real food. I figured that this abnormal receptiveness meant this was exactly what my body needed and went about my day, treating myself to a glass of cabbage water every now and then between knitting the celebrity dog costumes that I sell on Etsy.

detoxing sepsis

Within a few days, it was clear that my body was really responding. I was sweating out buckets of toxins, wrapping myself in the handmade quilts stitched by spiritual elders in India to replace the heat from the fat cells that were clearly leaving my body. My breathing bordered on hyperventilation as I reached what was obviously an ecstatic peak of purity. I even stopped peeing, no matter how greedily I chugged the cleansing mixture, having achieved a state of spiritual awakening that transcended mortal bodily functions. Or so I thought.

As much as I longed to remain still in my rapture, especially because it was becoming increasingly difficult to move, those dog costumes weren’t going to ship themselves. I gingerly gathered myself and my boxes and began making my way to the UPS store, but on the way to my apartment’s parking garage, I was overcome with spiritual revelry and also a distinct blackness. I collapsed.

detoxing sepsis

Some nice passersby, unaware that everything was working exactly as it should, called 911. I awoke in the hospital sometime later. Hours? Days? Time had no meaning in the dimension to which I’d been transported. I informed the doctors that there had been a mistake and I was simply experiencing a bodily and spiritual transformation, and they told me that I had sepsis.

They started asking me a bunch of questions. Was I aware of a previous infection? Any recent illness or injury? New tattoos, piercings, etc.? Well yeah, I said, but it’s an all-natural organic artisanal tattoo. By definition, it can’t be bad for you. I showed it to them, and a nurse fainted. The doctors said that even organic flower pigments can transfer infection if proper hygiene practices aren’t followed, that they’re actually much more susceptible to decay, have I considered going to a licensed tattoo artist, etc. All kinds of Western medical nonsense. Still, I graciously allowed them to pump me full of antibiotics and other patent poison, just to make them feel better. Also, they said I couldn’t go home until they did, because I was, like, really close to dying.

So I guess the moral of the story is don’t mix cleansing with FDA-unapproved body art, because you might mistake septic shock for perfectly healthy toxin flushing. Who knew they had so many of the same symptoms? Anyway, I have to go now. I’m going to give Skid Mark a piece of my mind.

Images: romana klee and istolethetv

Amanda Mannen
Amanda Mannen

Author - Mommy - Ninja - Editor

Manna is a writer, a nomad, a parent, a burrito, a thinker, a feeler, a lover, a fighter, and definitely not a sentient burrito. She's also a writer and editor for Cracked.com

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.