Finding Your Inner Sega Genesis Blast Processing

The world is chaotic these days, and it can be hard to find your center. Also, taking time for yourself to find peace can just open you up to negativity, like nagging remorse for that terrible thing you did. You know the one. The gods seem to have abandoned us, and previously dependable spiritual exercises feel empty. But there is something we can do about it: Find your inner Sega Genesis Blast Processing.

You know in your heart of hearts that Sonic the Hedgehog would never give up, and without Sega Genesis Blast Processing, there would be no Sonic the Hedgehog. So before we start our meditation, I want you to embrace this yearning you feel for a simpler, 16-bit era.

We’re Going To Shake Up Your Routine Here

First, throw out the Nag Champa and spray CK One around your meditation space instead. Your mantra should be “Welcome To The Next Level.” As you raise yourself to a higher consciousness, you will feel yourself carving through your material attachments as if you hold a Golden Axe. As you Gain Ground, you’ll find you can evade the troubles that weigh you down as if you were a Kid Chameleon.

Sure, some may argue that Sega Genesis Blast Processing was nothing more than an empty marketing gimmick designed to make you feel like you were buying into something special. Elevated, even. But at the end of the day, isn’t that what most consumer-based wellness practices are all about? Just because it’s meaningless doesn’t mean it doesn’t make you feel good/also help you compete with the latest Nintendo products.

By the time you cease meditation, you will emerge brand new. You might even say you became an … Altered Beast.

Images: Nickolai Kashirin, Staffan Vilcans