How To Spice Up Your Sex Life With At-Home Industrial Grade Cleaning Supplies

Are you tired of your average, mundane, everyday sex life? Do you long for the spice, the thrill, and the sheer intensity of something beyond vanilla? Well, have we got the bombastic solution for you! Any average Joe or Jane can supercharge their bedroom romps with just a few common household supplies.

Tide Pods

Eating Tide Pods isn’t just for the teens—it’s also a powerful aphrodisiac! The first step is cultivating your environment. Make your room smell like laundry. Imagine yourself as laundry. Become laundry. Once you have fully transcended your fleshy mortal coil and walked into the hallowed realm of textiles, then and only then should you complete the ritual and consume a Tide Pod.  What will ensue is an explosion of sexual energy, passion, and projectile vomiting.

Pine Sol Slip ‘N Slide

The vagina is a beautiful but tempestuous creature, so if she’s not behaving the way you’d like, just empty a full bottle of Pine Sol up in there. You or your special lady will be outright gushing, either floor cleaner or blood. Hell, roll out the Slip ‘N Slide and go nuts with science’s natural lube. There’s nothing more fun than slipping into your partner’s personal slide on an actual Slip ‘N Slide, except when it’s coated in sticky, caustic chemicals. Bonus: that fresh pine scent!

Mr. Clean’s Easy Anal

Anal sex can be an, ahem, messy situation, but we—that is, the various iterations of Mr. Clean—got your back. The same product used to keep your kitchen clean will also keep your dick slick and your b-nus bright. Not only will you feel fresh and funky, your wallet will thank you as well. Just apply a liberal lather of the liquid onto your nether regions and those of your partner and have a good, clean/dirty time.

Ammonia Sex Bath

There isn’t anything sexier than coitus in a bathtub full of ammonia. If that sounds like the crazed ramblings of a cleaning supply salesman who’s never had sex, well, it is. But that doesn’t make it any less true. Prove your love by holding your breath, submerged in that literally intoxicating aroma, and become the ultimate sex partner. By embracing the unbearable pain, you will become a veritable sex god. The best part is that all those cute nurses on the burn ward will know exactly why you’re there. Say goodbye to lonely Friday nights four-to-six weeks after you recover!