Let’s face facts: Preschool is the most important time in a child’s life. High school is the most important time in a teenagers’s life, and college is the most important time in a young adult’s life. Parenthood is the most important time in an adult’s life and you’ve already succeeded in squirting one out. But what now?
What now, indeed. Parenting is a game that you have to win. Your child can only get so far on your name and wealth alone. Preschool provides him, her, zhe, or zhim with the skills to use your privilege to their advantage, as well as that of their schoolmates. You’re still friends with the old gang from Lawrenceville Prep Prep, after all. My son, Nihil (pronounced “Heel”), should be allowed to bask in that privilege as well.
Additionally, schools for bomb dogs or explosive detection canines (EDCs) are the latest industry to blossom under the generous sun that is the War on Terror. But the U.S. government now has too many EDCs on their hands. I say let the problem be the solution and use bomb dogs to help you sniff out the best preschool for your already exceptional little miracle. Or at least guide them towards a marketing degree from a lesser Ivy.
Where To Start
Bomb dog ownership is a big responsibility, arguably larger than parenting. Unfortunately you can’t just order a bomb dog from Amazon Prime for Rich People™ (yet). An EDC can run you upwards of $150,000 per year, so it’s important to do research before you have your people buy through a shell company incorporated in Monaco. Quality is important.
My family’s bomb dog, Duke, was dishonorably discharged from a Halliburton training facility in Riyadh for “overbearing intensity.” Luckily, I’ve found that a disgraced bomb dog responds better to preschool detection training because he has something to prove.
And remember that you can train a bomb dog to sniff for anything, so you’ll be able to venture beyond detecting traditional threats like Semtex and urea nitrate. Using elk jerky and chia pudding as incentive, it only took my entire pregnancy to fully train Duke. He can now distinguish between 19 types of nut milks, including the seven varietals that Nihil is of course allergic to.
Critical Dangers Your Bomb-Sniffing Dog Can Literally Sniff Out
How many times does the media have to tell you that BPA is dangerous? If you endanger your child by putting it anywhere near a BPA it will spontaneously grow multiple extremities like those frogs in the Midwest. Do you want people to assume your child is from the Midwest? I thought not. Duke is trained to bite the nearest man in a suit upon detection of BPA. Murdering an education professional is a small price to pay for the future of your family.
As mentioned earlier, poor, vulnerable, pity-garnering Nihil suffers from a unique amalgam of nut allergies. Thanks to Duke we were able to identify 1.4 cc’s of sesame butter on the vintage sweater of a two-year-old maniac named Penny who’d consumed some of the decorticated poison three weeks prior. Duke tore the sweater off the girl’s body and buried it in the school’s community garden.
3: Standardized Testing
Children aren’t meant to check boxes so that they can be put into boxes for the rest of their lives. If your EDC smells the active ingredient in Scantron machines, tread lightly.
Mercury poisoning affects as many as four Jeremy Pivens every year. Don’t let your child become a statistic. Mercury is also an inactive ingredient in most vaccines, and I don’t need a doctor to tell me what that means.
No. 5: Chanel No. 5
An odor-free preschool is a distraction-free preschool. Jasmine is far too complex a scent for toddlers to comprehend and the addition of civet musk will only lead to questions like “What is civet musk?” and “Can I please have some drugs?” Aldehydes are the real gateway drug.
Will My Child Ever Be Safe?
Probably not. But a well-trained bomb-sniffing dog can at least help.