Travel Guide: Under The Sea

It’s truly the last frontier, this mysterious land of exotic treasures that await us below the ocean. This is a travel guide but also a warning. Do not go under the sea. There’s all kinds of shit like …

Anglerfish

They’ve got that natural, biologically occurring light which hangs in front of their faces, which is easily the creepiest thing in all of animaldom. These should-be-invisible monstrosities use that light to navigate to their prey, which they then tear asunder with their Nosferatu teeth. And that’s just the males. After mating and impregnation, female anglerfish physically absorb the male anglerfish. This is some powerful energy you do not to go near, friend.

Frilled Sharks

These don’t really look like your usual notion of a shark—big, long face and fin sticking up out of the water and all that—but these ugly, tubular bastards are technically from the same family as Jaws even though they totally look like giant dicks. More accurately, they resemble a 5,000-foot dick if it had giant teeth and ate everything in sight. Don’t go near these dudes, even if it’s for a hilarious Instagram picture where you stand far away and, through the magic of forced perspective, make it look like the frilled shark is your dick. While you’re posing, it will swim up and probably bite your dick off.

Dolphins

Yes, dolphins are cute. They look like they’re smiling! You know who else who “smiles”? The Joker and people who cross the Yakuza. Did you know that a pod of dolphins will stalk an octopus and then rough it up, tossing it around between them, literally beating it to death before they eat it? That is an actual true fact about dolphins. They do it to octopodes, and they’ll do it to you, too.

Seahorses

Did you know that seahorses are unique in the animal kingdom in that the males of the species gestate the babies? Of course, you knew that. It’s the one thing everyone knows about seahorses. What you don’t know about the stay-at-home dads of the sea is that each and every one of them keeps a tedious little blog about fatherhood.

Shipwrecks

You are far less likely to encounter priceless plates and cups from an unrecovered Gilded Age cruise liner than you are to run into spooky pirate ghosts that want to inhabit your body and ride it back up to the surface, where they’ll continue as they left off: plundering, pillaging, and making life hell for the British navy. Just say no.

Aquaman

All he wants to talk about is his underwater gym and how many underwater weights he can lift while under the sea because he’s both a royal and a god. If you’re a guy, he calls you “bro” in every sentence. If you’re a woman, he’ll make clumsy double entendres about dampness and then laugh uproariously at his own dumb, gross joke. Just stay on dry land. There’s no good outcome here.

Images: Pixabay, Masaki Miya et al, saname777, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Warner Bros. Pictures