Your Most Worrying Moles: Ranked!
Nervous about your moles? Think you should get them looked at? Well, good news: We’ve already seen—and become intimately familiar with—your skin! How? Don’t worry yourself about that. You should be more worried about those potentially dangerous growths on your epidermis. Which is why we’ve ranked your most worrying moles here in one convenient place.
6. That Cluster
Everyone has tiny moles here and there … but you’re fairly confident these weren’t there the day before you went to the beach and didn’t pack enough sunscreen. They just snuck up on you out of nowhere, much like the shady photographers we hired to snap pics and document any alterations in your pigmented cells.
5. The Hairy One
You’re blonde, so why are these hairs so dark? And not only are they dark, they’re jagged and coarse, unlike the silky hair you have everywhere else on your body. What could this mean? And why is it that every time you pluck one, two more grow back like some kind of hydra beast?
4. The One with the Red Dot
Dermatologists always tell you to keep an eye on moles to make sure they don’t change color. Well, this one stayed the same, but a red dot appeared next to it, as if a sniper was permanently drawing a bead on you. Your doctor said it was nothing to worry about … but doctors can be wrong, right?
3. The One That’s Always Growing
The one on your neck is inconvenient because it’s so visible. Plus, it seems to get longer every day. Just look at the length of the shadow it casts! We’ve done some calculations, and if it keeps growing at its current rate, then by President’s Day 2024 it will be the size of a coffin. Which is kind of ironic … don’t you think?
2. The One That Got Removed but Is Still Kinda Weird
The most troubling moles should be removed, which is why you amputated this one yourself with a box cutter while biting down on your wallet. And while you were relieved to discover that it wasn’t a mole at all—just a chocolate-covered walnut, it’s still pretty alarming that it was attached to your stomach for three whole years.
1. Larry the Actual Mole
It’s normal for moles to hole up and shut themselves away from everything, but Larry’s been even more antisocial than usual. He hasn’t been the same since the divorce, and constantly posts cryptic messages on Facebook. Maybe check in on him and see if he’s doing okay. Let him know he’s cared for and that you’re here if he needs someone to talk to.