WWE Scrambles To Resurrect André The Giant At Saudi Prince’s Request
When the WWE makes its semi-annual trip to Saudi Arabia, it books whatever wrestlers the Saudi Prince wants to see. That’s why we’ve seen so many things wrestling fans never thought they would, like The Undertaker versus Goldberg, or Shawn Michaels coming out of retirement for a single match. But WWE might not be able to accommodate the latest request from the Saudi Prince, who reportedly wants to see André the Giant—who died in 1993—climb back into the ring.
This has left WWE scrambling to find a way to resurrect the man known as the Eighth Wonder of the World before their Crown Jewel event on October 31st. And they have exhausted nearly every avenue available to them, including …
1. Crafting a Virus to Reanimate the Dead
Since WWE doesn’t have the luxury of waiting until Hell fills up and the dead walk the Earth, they had to go the science fiction zombie route and employ a team of morally dubious scientists to create a virus that would bring André back to life. This, of course, resulted in a ravenous, undead André, and there was no way Vince McMahon could trust this creature to stop eating the flesh of the living long enough to take a spear from Roman Reigns.
2. Cloning André, Jurassic Park-style
The next best option was creating a new André the Giant using DNA samples recovered from a singlet with a single strap found in the WWE warehouse. Of course, with so little time to get the clone version of him ready for Crown Jewel, the process had to be accelerated. This led to the creation of a grossly-deformed and unusable André. Plus, WWE can’t realistically put a wrestler in the ring when they’re constantly screaming “KILL ME.” (Why do you think EC3 hasn’t had any matches lately?)
3. Travel Back in Time, Grab André, Have Him Wrestle the Match, Then Bring Him Back to His Original Timeline before Anyone Notices
Obviously, time travel is dangerous—any change in the past can have huge ripple effects on the present—but WWE thought it was worth a shot. Unfortunately, they went back in time to a point when André was already injured and couldn’t work, meaning they got special authorization from President Tom Hanks and put the timeline at risk for nothing.
4. Hollow Out André’s Body and Turn It into a Mech for Rey Mysterio to Pilot
With Rey Mysterio being the only wrestler who could comfortably sit inside a hollowed-out André the Giant like a Power Ranger sitting inside the Megazord, the WWE briefly toyed with the idea of turning André’s corpse into a mech for him to drive. However, Vince McMahon vetoed the idea, as a wrestler with the body of André the Giant and the in-ring skills of Rey Mysterio would make it “hard to sell all this Roman Reigns merch.”
Images: Daniel Soñé Photography, LLC/Flickr, WWE