Spanish-American War Facts, Because We Misunderstood ’90s Nostalgia

Tarnation! When we heard that ‘90s nostalgia was popular, we spent weeks painstakingly researching the Spanish-American War, and we’re only just now realizing our mistake. We’re really sorry for the mix-up, but we used up a ton of time so we have to write the article anyway. Only nineties kids will remember these fun facts from the 1890s! Except they won’t, because they’re all dead.

Remember The Maine, But Make Sure To Do It Right!

The USS Maine was sent to Havana to protect American interests during the ongoing unrest in Cuba, only to explode in Havana Harbor on February 15, 1898. It took 250 American soldiers to the depths of the ocean with it. Popular opinion, inflamed by irresponsible journalism, quickly blamed the Spanish despite a lack of evidence, which inflamed tensions and—oh God, you don’t care about any of this, do you? We really screwed up on this one.

Uh, maybe Daria referenced the Maine? Everyone likes Daria. Or what if Clarissa explained it on Clarissa Explains It All? You all remember Clarissa Explains It All, right? Yeah, forget about the complex nuances of human history that have shaped the world as we know it. Bask in the easy, comforting knowledge that Clarissa Explains It All exists, and that you once watched it.

It Wasn’t The Civil War!

The Spanish-American War ostensibly gave the country a chance to mend old wounds created by the Civil War. Northerners fought alongside Southerners, white Americans fought alongside black Americans, former Confederate generals led a united nation into battle. The media and the government emphasized this unity as the dawning of a new America untroubled by problems of old (though some would argue that trying to gloss over the impact of the Civil War would only lead to larger divides while creating an idealized vision of America’s purpose that was, at its core, a myth).

But you probably find that all really boring, so you know what else divided America? The Simpsons! Homer’s wacky antics are fondly remembered by so many ‘90s kids that it’s totes crazy to think that a bunch of old grumps once thought the show would ruin a generation. Remember the bear patrol? Hilarious, right? Yeah, forget about the complexities of trying to place your existence within the vast annals of history. Remember the bear patrol.

Don’t Forget About The Other Guys!

Spain’s quick and decisive defeat shocked the nation and forced the once-mighty empire to reconsider its place in the world. This country-wide sense of introspection produced a group of controversial, yet influential, artists known as the Generation of ’98, who radically reshaped Spanish culture. Kind of like how Destiny’s Child’s self-titled 1998 debut reshaped music by kicking total ass! If you think about it, Beyoncé is basically just a modern Miguel de Unamuno, whose troubled faith and haunting existential writings pushed readers to persevere through a seemingly absurd existence. Just like Destiny’s Child pushed us to have a totally awesome time at our school dances! Man, the ‘90s were the best!

Anyway, the war led to America committing extensive crimes against humanity in the Philippines.

Images: Nickelodeon Productions / Pixabay, Nickelodeon Productions, Fox