People Vince McMahon Would Rather Invite To Thanksgiving Dinner Than Triple H

Being an investigative reporter in the world of professional wrestling isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes, you wait outside an event all night just to interview a stoned X-Pac. Other times, you’re forced to feign interest in talking to Dave Meltzer. For this article specifically, I had to don a fake mustache and go undercover as a caterer for a corporate WWE event. After 14 hours of work (and several uncomfortable interactions with Michael “Freebird” Hayes about the temperature of his skim milk) I was able to snag a napkin from Vince McMahon’s table with some notes scribbled on it. Lo and behold, the scribbling contained every single person Vince plans to invite to Thanksgiving Dinner … and a certain son-in-law was conspicuously absent. Below is a list of everyone Vince wrote down, along with some tidbits I overheard during my shift.

1. Tatanka

While I was putting out the appetizers, someone suggested inviting Tatanka, to which Vince replied, “That’s perfect! He can even do a little dance for us. Then I can push him into a pool. I bet he can take a joke.” Triple H didn’t seem to notice his father-in-law’s inflection, or the inflated, awkward stare Vince shot at him for six whole seconds (I counted it in my head).

2. Stephanie and Linda McMahon

When Linda and Stephanie were mentioned, Vince said “Definitely makes sense to have them there,” before mumbling “Just no plus ones.”

3. The Rock

This one had an asterisk, with the note, “If he can squeeze us in to his already busy schedule, that would be great. Maybe he can bring some pie, or that people’s strudel he’s always talking about. Reminder: Send Rock an apology note for all those times he jobbed to Paul.”

4. Pat Patterson

After a billionaire laugh session that no one understood—but everyone joined in on—Vince simply wrote, “French Canadian Mayonnaise.” 

5. Triple X (Vin Diesel)

During dinner, people were discussing the XXX movie franchise, which caused Vince to exclaim “Triple X!? Now THAT’S a name for a superstar. Who plays that guy?” Upon hearing it’s Vin Diesel, Vince immediately dropped his cutlery and smiled. He then stared off into the distance for roughly an hour, presumably pondering his next big signee.

6. Shawn Michaels

This one just had a heart drawn around it.

7. John Cena 

While discussing John Cena, Vince remarked “Definitely invite John. He makes an AMAZING potato salad … he’s also my favorite son.”

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