Contact High: Pretending You Like Weed To Be Cool Around Other People…
Look. Not everyone still likes weed, okay?
Just because now you are in your mid-thirties and no longer enjoy feeling like you’re going to fall out of a window and directly into a police cell every time you take a single puff off someone’s “totally mellow, home-grown” joint, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
That said, 420, the greatest of all holidays, just happened, and all your cool friends were probably high out of their fucking minds. It’s the one day a year where you can’t use any of your usual go-to excuses about how you have to “work” or “drive” — and, like, you know, you personally can’t drive high even though it’s totally perfectly safe for all your cool friends who do, science has proved it’s okay, right? I think I read that on Buzzfeed?
By the way, you are absolutely correct that your cool high friends are going to judge you and be suspicious that you are a narc — or worse: not chill. Do you remember how much in high school you yourself used to judge your shitty “straight-edge” friends? Now that’s fucking you, dawg.
Oh no! You’re going to be that one not-cool loser narc at the fun 420 party with all the cool kids!
Do not despair. Here at Bunny Ears we care about you fitting in with your cool weed-smoking friends more than anything in the entire universe, so we’ve compiled this list of six tips and tricks for pretending you still like weed so you can be ultra-cool with your cool weed-smoking friends this holiday season.
1. MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT HOW MUCH POT YOU USED TO SMOKE
You know what stoners love the most? Hearing about how much pot you smoked in high school. They smoked a lot of weed in high school, too! Great, now you’re already talking about a commonality instead of how horribly different you are just because your cool friend thinks being on what is now universally super-engineered medical-grade uber-weed is just a totally normal way to go through daily life, while you can’t take even a fake hit where you don’t inhale without descending into a spiral of re-examining every bad choice you’ve ever made ever in your life, and what even is a “choice” man?
2. TALK A LOT ABOUT ALL THE TIMES YOU ATE MUSHROOMS IN JOSHUA TREE / AT A MUSIC FESTIVAL
You’re cool. You’re down. You’ve been to music festivals. Okay, not Bonnaroo or Coachella, but, like, you went to Reggae on the River once in college, ya know? So much ganja there, man. Now in your thirties, you may not want to even get near a puff of what everyone else treats as “not even a real drug,” even though one hit will make you literally fucking hallucinate, but it’s not like you’re a square. You ate mushrooms in Joshua Tree once! In fact, talking about Joshua Tree in general is a good idea, because squares don’t hang out in our National Parks.
3. GET TOO DRUNK
This one is a classic staple of avoiding smoking weed. Okay, sure, nowadays you don’t really drink more than a glass or two of wine at dinner and only on weekends, because, hey, you’re an adult and you have work tomorrow morning. And, granted, you get hungover very easily, so this is a really big sacrifice. But it’s worth the next 24-36 hours of your life being miserable to have your cool weed-loving friends not decide they all fear/hate you, right?
4. SHOW OFF YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF DIFFERENT SLANG TERMS FOR MARIJUANA
This tactic just never gets old. Stoners absolutely adore when sober people rattle off all the awesome cool slang terms they know for weed. Nothing will help you fit in better on 420 than talking about how down you are with chronic, reefer, herb, the stickiest, airplane, cabbage, Dona Juanita, green goddess, and/or da kine. See how fun that list was? You could be that fun!
5. FIND AND PLAY AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR
Bonus points if you know Jack Johnson’s “Brushfire Fairytales.” Stoners love people playing acoustic guitar and singing along loudly at a party. Just because there’s hip hop on the stereo in the other room doesn’t mean people don’t want to hear you croon a few Sublime favorites and then expostulate at length about how rich and complex Dave’s songwriting is. BUNNY EARS EXTRA-DOPE EXTRA TIP: cool people who smoke weed call Dave Matthews just “Dave” like he’s your fucking buddy.
6. GET TOO HIGH
If all else fails, this is the nuclear potion. If you take one hit and act like a paranoid idiot, everyone will then not like you. But if you make a big show of smoking like way, way too much weed, everyone will cheer you on like you’re a hero, then feel pity for you when you’re just, like, locked in a bathroom crying for the rest of the night and praying to Aztec gods you didn’t know you knew the names of to make your heart beat at a normal rate again. BUNNY EARS EXTRA-DOPE EXTRA TIP: Chalchiuhtlicue probably doesn’t give a shit about your stupid high ass.