It took only seconds for me to realize my nutritionist thought I was a disgusting piece of shit. The signs were subtle, but they were definitely there (like when he dry heaved). Read on to discover if you, too, might be dealing with a nutritionist who hates you.
When He Looks You Up And Down And Says “Nope.”
First impressions matter and I somehow bungled mine. As soon as I stepped foot in his office, he sized me up, shook his head, and said “nope.” It was just one word, but I could tell it was a placeholder for a larger thought, like, “you’re a disgusting piece of shit.” If this happens to you, it could just be a simple misunderstanding, or it could more rightfully be your nutritionist letting slip his utter contempt for people who are only a little out of shape.
When He Tells You To Eat 5 Calzones A Day
I thought I must have misheard him when he suggested I only eat foods that contain 30% or less of my daily sugar allowance between one of my recommended five calzones a day. But no, that’s what he said and that’s what he meant. This was essentially my nutritionist’s way of saying, “Hi, you’re a hopeless, disgusting piece of shit, a slovenly pile of trash that will never be healthy. So do as I say, you stupid lemming, and cram grown-up Hot Pockets into your mouth hole ’till you die.” I know, I know—that’s a lot of meaning to be hiding in one little directive, but how else am I supposed to interpret a nutritionist telling me to eat mostly pizza hand pies? Be careful of this.
When He Scornfully Mumbles “Pfft, This Fucking Guy…” When You Describe Your Eating Habits
Looking back, I probably should’ve known something was wrong with this guy when, after telling him that I eat bacon a couple times a week, he muttered, “Pfft, this fucking guy…” under his breath. And I certainly should have known it when I caught him pretending to choke me when he thought I wasn’t looking. Basically, pay attention. Because the signs are likely right there in front of you.
When He Starts Calling You A Disgusting Piece Of Shit Instead Of Your Name
You might notice a slight change toward the tail end of your meeting. It’ll be like he forgot your given name and assumed, after all the evidence you gave him throughout your consultation, that your name must be Disgusting Piece Of Shit. It might go a little something like this, “Nurse, could you please set up Disgusting Piece Of Shit with a follow-up appointment in three months?”
I hope this guide helped. For what it’s worth, you’re probably not a disgusting piece of shit. But a nutritionist would be the one person I’d consider an authority on the subject, so maybe.