Become More Cultured By Covering Your Genitals In Yogurt
Tired of being bland, boring, and basic? Invite new adventure into your life by slathering yogurt all over your crotch and cultivating bacteria in your nether quarters!
We know this might sound like a bad pun that’s gone too far. “Ha ha, culture … yogurt … get it?” But what better way to show off how worldly you are than by telling inquisitive (and concerned) onlookers that the leaky stain on and around your pelvis is Greek yogurt? Who needs to actually travel abroad when you can just bring Greece to you by inviting organisms to manifest and thrive in your damp, moist unmentionables?
This idea is guaranteed to attract more sophisticated individuals into your life. At the moment, your inner circle of friends is likely comprised of nothing but a bunch of unrefined slobs. However, once you begin your “dirty dairy” routine, you’ll be associating primarily with doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers. Best of all, you won’t even have to seek them out: others will send them to you!
There are a lot of “pros” in this plan. Probiotics, that is! What are those? We have no clue! But we’re happy to try and impress people at parties about them.
And Don’t Forget About the Butt
We also highly recommend stuffing your butt with dairy products. That’s right: Put the fruit-at-the bottom in your bottom. The less pasteurized the better. Don’t fear those germs. Let those milky microbes make friends with the natural backside bacteria you got going on up there. Those international organisms will work in harmony with the domestic ones in your dumper, and it’ll be a regular U.N. Assembly back there.
Plus, this is a fashionable trend among Europeans. Which ones, you ask? Well, the ones who are deemed “unwell” by society, but they’re still Europeans, dammit. Nobody is classier than they are! Anybody who disagrees is just being (lactose) intolerant, and that’s very uncool. (LOL. See what we did there?)
Application Tip: You can smear the yogurt over your hole(s) with a butter knife like it was bagel schmear, but for the most accuracy, we recommend using a Go-GURT tube. Removal Tip: Get someone to eat it off/out. The calcium is good for their bones, and it feels great on your bone, too.