Unleash Your Inner Mermaid And Lure Sailors To Their Briney Deaths
Ladies, we all have a magnificent mergirl inside us just waiting to burst out. (A hot one, obviously, with super nice abs and no arm fat—not at all like those weird Harry Potter ones.) And if your authentic merlass is waiting for her merdebut, we want to help! That’s why we’ve talked to doctors – well, spiritual doctors – our physical therapist, Bobbin – and uncovered an ancient Atlantean ritual that will help you unleash your inner mermaid for good.
Performing the ritual is simple: First, acquire 200 seashells. Resist the urge to turn them into bras. Second, drape over them seven ounces of crunchy Sea Tangle Snacks. Not the wasabi kind. Noo, not the vegan cheese kind either. Basic Sea Tangle Snacks. I know, gross, right? Oh, shoot, make sure you have some whale songs playing. Ask your massage therapist, they’ll hook you up. Massage ladies always know the best whale music. You don’t want to get stuck with some garbage humpback.
Then, simply grasp your coral-handled knife and approach the captive sailor you have tied to your clam-shell altar.
I’m sorry, what? You didn’t capture a sailor for your ritual? What the hell do you think goes on in the fish kingdom? Have you never watched an episode of Blue Planet? The ocean is where sharks literally do their business. There are entire species that diet primarily on tiny baby sea turtles, fresh from the egg.
Dolphins? You’re asking about dolphins? You mean the dolphins who stun puffer fish by smashing into them and then SUCKING OUT THEIR VENOM for a HIGH? This is the world you claim to want to slippery-slide your fish half into, and you don’t understand that the whole point of being a mermaid is drowning horny sailors for kicks?
So okay, hard truths over. Get your sailor and ritually sacrifice him. (Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: In a pinch, check a Renaissance fair. There’s always plenty of marketing executives dressed up as pirates.) Congrats, girlfry! You just logged your first kill and gained your tail! Is it blue? Is it greenish? Oooh, once you washed the blood off, can you see the iridescence? It’s all purple-y, isn’t it? Admit it, it was super worth it.
Now, yes, of course, you can indulge in all the sandbox-level merstuff. Combing your hair with a fork, lazily tail-flopping about the kingdom, and did we mention your boobs? Have you looked at your boobs? Salt water is buoyant, baby. Say goodbye to push-up clams forever! How awesome is that?! Totally worth all those sailors you’ll have to kill to maintain this aquatic effervescence, right?
Look, keeping your outer mermaid isn’t easy. It requires true, soul-searching authenticity. It takes deep love for your body and its potential as a lethal ocean-going predatory machine. It takes dead sailors! If it makes you feel better, absolutely nothing in maritime law prohibits a mermaid from eating her required daily diet of husky sea boys. Plus, we just got this cool new novelty t-shirt that says “Look at the Fins On Her!” So cute, right?
So bottoms up, girls. They’re easier to gnaw on that way.