I’m Not Basic, I Just Love PSLs (Placenta Spice Lattes)

December 7, 2018 by
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I’m obsessed with fall. I love fall so much I call it “Autumn” even though I live in America. Who wouldn’t be? There’s so much to love about it: changing leaves, warm sweaters, PSLs.  I’m pretty cheesed about all the PSL shaming that happens this time of year. It’s misogynist to market items specifically to women then mock them for enjoying feminine things. Let’s not shame but rather celebrate femininity with PSLs. You may call that “basic” but if drinking a warm PSL is basic then I’m literally the most basic person on earth.

Scratch Your Basic Itch

There’s nothing I love more than a warm sweater, watching a spooky movie, and slurping down a homemade PSL to absorb iron and corticotropin – releasing hormone into my bloodstream. Embrace your inner basic. Calling things basic is just a way to flush trends out of the zeitgeist to make way for the shiny new thing Society wants you to buy.

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I refuse to fall victim to it so I will drink PSLs forever. I don’t even buy them. I make my own in my Bunny Ears™ Spiritual Immersion Blender. My homemade PSLs taste amazing, are chockfull of valuable nutrients, and make me feel like the powerful woman I am.

Thank Goddess It’s PSL Season

PSL’s are the most feminine thing in the world. They unite me to the Divine Feminine. I drink PSLs to celebrate the sensuality and violence of being a woman. I tried other ways of connecting my essence with Mother Nature: meditation, prayer, brandishing my titties at the moon. I felt like a woman but I lacked power.

So put your titties back in your shirt and join me. Let’s toast each other’s venti-sized chalices and let our blood red PSL mustaches signal to other women that we are truly self actualized, all thanks to PSLs.

The Drink That Eats Like a Meal

When I suck on one of them bad boys my blood literally boils with good vibes. All land mammals except humans regularly eat placenta, so why not try a Placenta Spice Latte? I drink mine in my coffee every morning because mammals invented multitasking as well.

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I’m a busy woman on the go. Blood is rich in hemoglobin and I’m need the iron to keep up my hemoglobin’ trotting jetsetter lifestyle. I pay good money to new mothers so that I can have my PSLs and they can send their children to private school.

Just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean that I should have to miss out on the benefits of PSLs. To quote a thought I’ve had literally millions of times and a song I heard blaring from a passing car: “I’m a white woman, I can do whatever I want.” And with the power of Placenta Spice Lattes, I truly CAN do whatever I want.

Wait. PSL stands for what? Pumpkin? That’s dumb. Pumpkins aren’t even spicy.


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