Nature Walks: The Perfect Alibi For Casing A Joint
We’re going to let you in on a little secret: Most of us here on staff hate nature walks. That’s right. We said it. They’re long, boring, and we’d honestly rather be watching Friends. But the majority of people working in the “wellness space” love them, so we’ve been forced to become very acquainted with their lameness. Thankfully, there’s been one major payoff from these trendy analog tours: They provide a great alibi for committing the perfect crime. So allow us to teach you how to use a nature walk as cover when you get caught casing a joint.
Pick Only The Prettiest Of Houses To Rob
This seems like it should just be common sense, but you’d be surprised how many people are content with robbing mediocre ranch houses. If the house is gorgeous with a huge yard and lots of flowers and shrubs, the owners are much more likely to have some real good shit for you to steal. Also, why on earth would any dedicated nature walker make a pit stop at some lame two-bedroom with a bottle bush in the side yard? If you’re going to sell this, you need to actually look at something that’s worth looking at, obv.
Act Intensely Interested In Literally Every Damn Thing
Nature walking is kind of like bird watching. It’s quiet, sweaty, and hobbyists take it scary serious. But knowing how to feign interest in some tacky bougainvilleas can get you out of plenty of jams. If some snoopy Susan happens to ask why you’ve been walking in front of the same house for three hours, loudly exclaim, “My what a lovely leaf!” and pick up the first crinkly thing you can find. “Why, yes, very lovely,” Susan will say as she nods to herself pretentiously.
Get Some Other Weirdo Leaf Lovers To Join You
Safety in numbers. That’s what we always say. Talk up how pretty and spiritual Jordan’s hyacinth display looks. Get your grandma and Debbie from book club to start cruising around with you. Post “nature enthusiast” flyers around your local craft store or knitting circle. The more people who join in your little “walks,” the less likely someone will notice if you slip away for a minute or forty to reallocate the Johnsons’ flatware.
And make sure your new “friends” are the talkative, dramatic kind. These types are notorious for drawing attention to themselves, ensuring your relative inconspicuousness. If that feels a little too dicey, you could always go the safe route and become some poor outdoorsy sap’s BFF. Convince them it’s cute to coordinate your outfits and dress like twinsies. Make sure the rest of your fellow walkers are ditzy and/or suffering from low vision. It’s practically a guarantee they’ll tell the police you were with them the whole time when Susan sticks her nose all up in your business … again.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
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