Best Pie To Celebrate The Perfect Math SAT Score You Bought Your Child

Alright, so you bribed the Board. (Or was it multiple boards? You bribe a lot of boards and it’s hard to keep them straight.) You gave them twenty thousand dollars and they gave your sweet teenage angel a perfect 800 on the Math SAT. It’s time to celebrate with a tasty, Instagrammable dessert: pie!

Pumpkin Pie

This one will make you think about the future. You’ll imagine how on Thanksgivings to come, you’ll be flying your child from the Ivy League dorm room of their choice to your in-laws’ chalet in the Maldives.

Apple Pie

This pie is all-American, just like hamburgers, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, and the perpetuation of wealth and privilege from one generation to generation by any means necessary.

Cheesecake

Is this a pie? Cake? Is this a tart with the crust cut off? It doesn’t really matter. The point is that you can make a hefty donation to the esteemed organization of your choice, and they’ll call it whatever you want. Cheesecake is the pie of power. In fact, you’ve just mailed a box of Cuban cigars and a check for eighty grand to Oxford, and cheesecake is now officially called power pie. It’s in the dictionary. Look it up.

Metaphorical Pie

Maybe this pie represents all the wealth and opportunity in your nation. Maybe this pie represents authority and who gets to wield it. It’s certainly not important what this pie is. What’s important is that even though this pie can be divided, YOU NEED TO HAVE MOST OF IT. There is NO EQUAL SHARING of this pie, because this pie CANNOT BE GROWN, and if it does get bigger, YOU DESERVE THE EXTRA PIE TOO.

π

This pi is a learning experience for you. Frankly, you don’t really remember math class. Also, your child can barely count high enough to tell you how many vlog followers they have. You think of pi as a cryptid, like the Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, or student debt—it’s something you’ve heard of but never actually encountered.

Humble Pie

No, no, no. One of the things you earned when you inherited your vast riches was the right to stand tall and be proud of your accomplishments. There is no need for humility except when you are being complimented on your child’s admittance to every Ivy League school in the nation.

Why should you feel guilty about getting to have your pie and eat it too? It’s not your child’s fault that they’ve never experienced any hardship beyond the stress of having a trust fund. Look at all the minorities who get a free boost from affirmative action! The only way to level the college application playing field is through the generous application of a tiny, tiny percentage of your net worth.

Of course, it would be terribly embarrassing if the world found out, but as a certain Dean of Admissions assured you on the squash court last Sunday, that will never happen.

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