My New Dog Is Adorable, Fits in My Purse, and Commands Me to Kill

December 17, 2021 by , featured in Lifestyle
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Living my best life as a pinnacle of health and wellness sure gets lonely sometimes. Ever since my last boyfriend broke up with me, I’ve had trouble putting myself out there. Maybe I’m just not ready, but I still need companionship, so I went to the locally farmed gluten-free kennel and immediately fell in love with the puppy that would become my new purse dog. Just look at her scrunched-up little face. What is she thinking about?

purse dog

She’s the complete package and my ideal companion. They say she will be tiny for her whole life, so I can keep her in my purse and dress her up in doll clothes! Her wiggly puppy body is clearly full of so much joy and love. I love you too, precious! And her tiny little nub of a tail! Almost too much to handle! Then there are the distorted, whispering voices that seem to be coming from all around me when I hold her. The voices that tell me the world is unclean.

I’m going to have so much fun buying little clothes and treats and little bows and sequins. I also need to find her some special bedding. Only the best for my puppy princess! Also guns. Scalpels. Meat hooks. Rope. Bibles. There is so much work to do. The world has escaped penance for its sins for too long.

Faster, Purse Dog! Kill! Kill!

I wanted to name my new puppy Bubblegum, but she told me her name was Topeth, so now I call her Topeydoodle. She wears little jumpers and hoodies that I buy online and rests on a pillow next to me while we watch Netflix. She tells me which actors and politicians deserve death, but we haven’t quite worked up to that point. Those people have security, I tell her; it would take time and planning to kill any of them. We can still do the Lord’s work and put fear into the Devil’s heart by working small at first. And of course, she can come along.

my new dog

Me and my tiny dog watch the sinners in their homes. We figure out where they work and their commute routines. Where do they go grocery shopping. What neighborhoods they pass through. How late they stay out. Where they are alone and weak and vulnerable to an unexpected gunshot or blow to the head. Maybe they leave their car in idle too long in the driveway. Do they carry any self-defense equipment?

There are so many things to keep in mind while taking care of tiny dogs. You gotta get their hair cut frequently. There are special nutrition needs, and you really have to be careful about portion sizes for food and treats. I am always asking sales staff which toys are appropriate and won’t hurt my tiny dog while I am waiting for them to get off work so I can study the path they take home. So many things to keep track of.

In the end, it’s all worth it. I love my sweet Topeydoodle, and I will always be there to satisfy her craving for human blood.

Images: buymeGUM, Sadie Swanson, Adria Richards

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  1. I loved this, Rani. I’m not sure just how to describe it, but I’ll say this has a lighter touch than a lot of your previous stuff.

    I do really appreciate the combination of super-cute and super-bleak material in a lot of your work. Your earlier work I’ve read seemed more like flicking a switch from cutesy to gallows, whereas this one seems more like a shading from cutesy to gallows. This slower click-over really works well.

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