Beautiful Inspirational Quotes That Will Definitely Piss Off The Person You’re Directing Them At
It can be hard to express your true feelings. That’s why inspirational quotes are so great! Why think of something poignant yourself when you could just use Google? When it’s hard for me to find the words I need all I have to do is turn to Instagram where I can find exactly what I want to say on a picture of a running horse for some reason.
For instance, my husband recently left me for my hairdresser Janet. I could go on Instagram and post a picture of me sneaking into Janet’s house and licking all of her Precious Moments figurines; Or, I could say, “If someone shows you their true colors don’t try to repaint them”. Janet’s going to get the message either way and with Inspirational quotes I come out looking less like a person who breaks into peoples houses while they’re at work.
When Janet posts something annoyingly peppy like:
I could say, “JANET, HEY JANET, YOU KNOW YOUR FIGURINE OF A BASHFUL LITTLE BOY IN A BOWTIE THAT’S TOO BIG FOR HIM? IT TASTES LIKE SHIT JANET. I KNOW BECAUSE I PUT THE WHOLE DAMN THING IN MY MOUTH JANET. I PUT IT THERE AND I JUST LET IT SIT FOR A GOOD THIRTY SECONDS. THEN I TOOK IT OUT AND I PUT IT BACK ON YOUR COFFEE TABLE TO BAKE MY SPIT INTO IT IN THE HOT FUCKING SUN.” Or I could post a picture of a sunset with this quote over it: “We may encounter defeats but we must not be defeated-Maya Angelou.”
The Maya Angelou quote will make all of my friends say, “Wow! You are so wise.” When in fact it’s Maya Angelou who is wise and I’m just a woman with a chipped tooth from a porcelain child I put in my mouth. They don’t have to know that though, thanks Maya Angelou!
Sometime I feel like going online and really unloading on my ex-husband. I just want to scream, “HEY STEWART YOU KNOW JANET’S PRECIOUS MOMENTS FIGURINE THAT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL WITH PIGTAILS AND SHE’S HOLDING A SIGN THAT SAYS YOU’RE THE WORLDS GREATEST GRANDMA? IF JANET IS SUCH A GREAT FUCKING GRANDMA THEN WHY DOES THE LITTLE GIRL LOOK SO DAMN SAD STEWART? SHE LOOKS TERRIFIED LIKE JANET FORCED HER TO WRITE THAT GODDAMN SIGN. ALSO, FYI I LICKED HER.”
Instead, I just go find a picture of two really hot people hugging with the words “Be the one before you meet the one,” over it and post that. Everyone keeps telling me what a good job I’m doing with the breakup and how brave and strong they think I am. What they don’t realize is that Janet has well over 300 Precious Moments figurines, pretty much all of which have been in my mouth.
The other day Stewart and Janet posted a picture of them picking out patio furniture together and Janet captioned it “#lovinlyfe.” I got a little heated and I posted a quote with plain white writing on a black background that said “When you find the right one, you’ll know because that love will make you want to call up your ex and thank them for letting you go.”
I could have posted, “Gosh you guys my jaw is so sore today and I can’t figure out why. Oh no wait, I think I know what happened. It’s probably because I ordered a lock picking kit off of Amazon for twenty dollars and watched a ten-minute instructional video on lock picking on YouTube. Then I rented a car from the Hertz at the airport under a fake name, drove to Janet’s house and waited across the street for her to go to work. I picked the lock with relative ease, went into her home, and one by one picked up each of her adorable Precious Moments figurines and PUT THEM RIGHT IN MY DAMP MOUTH. I made sure I was very well hydrated so that my mouth would be extra damp as I put each individual figurine right in there.
Opting for the highroad feels amazing. Janet saw my quote about finding the right one and responded with this:
So I know it’s fucking on now! I’m ready to take my earrings out and get my mouth super damp. I’m on the hunt for the perfect quote that says fuck off Janet but in a really nice font.
Images: Foter, Pixabay