I Ate Soap For A Week So Now I Can Say Whatever The Fuck I Want To

May 20, 2018 by , featured in Food and Recipes
Share this on
  • 96

I’m usually a bubbly, effervescent kind of person, but a few months ago I found myself feeling guilty about the way I was acting. I was letting stress get the best of me, and it was most often expressed through absolutely foul language. Real nasty stuff. Some stuff I’m pretty sure I invented. Regardless of location or situation, I was speaking like a sailor covered in fire ants. Being of sound mind, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but that didn’t stop me. The cycle of guilt became so all-consuming that one day I dropped everything and forced myself to make a major lifestyle change.

I sat in my sunroom and laid out my life before me. How could I change? What would I have to do to be better? Changing the words I use was obviously not an option, so I dug back into the bowels of my childhood to find another way.

Growing up, around third grade, I hit a rough patch, behaviorally. I’d spit out “hell” with confidence and pretend I didn’t know the difference between “shoot” and “shit”.

My parents’ solution to this problem was soap.

After swearing, I would be chased through the house until I was trapped in a corner and force-fed a bar of bright orange soap. It was more or less an unpleasant affair. However, once the soap was consumed, the swear was forgiven. That was it: by preemptively consuming soap throughout the day, I could say whatever I wanted, guilt-free!

I headed to the internet in search of recipes to get my new diet started, but I couldn’t find any. After meditating on it, I realized I could use soap the same way I’d use shredded coconut, Parmesan cheese, or margarine. The world became my soap dish! I spent three hours in the kitchen doing meal prep that night, grating bar after bar to be frozen and used throughout the week.

I’d start off most days with a smoothie bowl topped with the shavings of a creamy soap bar. The more moisturizing, the better. At lunch, I’d sprinkle something herbal and aromatic over my salads. For dinner, I used it as a spread on my rosemary focaccia. Some evenings, I’d unwind with a sherry glass filled to the brim of the sweetest hand soap I could find.

The change I felt in myself and my conscience was massive and immediate. With the soap diet, I could leave cable news on 24/7 and shamelessly spew lamentations. I no longer felt bad for the things I called my son’s classmates at his last parent-teacher conference. The years may’ve passed, but the remedy was still just as potent. I now live my life feeling as light as a feather and as clean as a whistle.

Of course, I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence if I didn’t warn that this lifestyle change is not for everyone. There are a lot of things that can go wrong. At the start of my journey, I made the mistake of enjoying a soap/chai latte on my commute to work, and after hitting a rough patch of highway, I had to pull over until the bubbles stopped pouring out of my mouth. It was a lesson learned, and I now wait for an hour after eating to do any sort of travel. I found it helpful to lower the water levels of the toilets in my home while dieting for a very similar reason. Whatever obstacles I faced, however, were worth overcoming for the results I felt and saw in myself.

So if you’re looking to make a change, know this: A better, cleaner you is possible.

Bon appetit!

Share this on
  • 96

Join the Conversation

  1. Avatar

1 Comment

  1. I can’t believe there are no comments. This was a great read. I would hope its more imaginative than reality. But as long as your happy and safe than you go girl! Hope you have a great new year!

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

D-Tea-F: Herbal Teas That’ll Horny You Up

Things I found in a Las Vegas Swimming Pool and the Vivid Tales Behind Them

Vegan Alternatives To Egging A House

Bone Broth Is Out, Gnawing On Bones Is In!

Lavish Vacation Spots To Visit When You’re On The Run From The Securities and Exchange Commission

Cool Stuff to Buy

Stalk Us

Home Lifestyle Pop Culture Wrestling Podcasts Videos About Us