I Ate Soap For A Week So Now I Can Say Whatever The Fuck I Want To
I’m usually a bubbly, effervescent kind of person, but a few months ago I found myself feeling guilty about the way I was acting. I was letting stress get the best of me, and it was most often expressed through absolutely foul language. Real nasty stuff. Some stuff I’m pretty sure I invented. Regardless of location or situation, I was speaking like a sailor covered in fire ants. Being of sound mind, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but that didn’t stop me. The cycle of guilt became so all-consuming that one day I dropped everything and forced myself to make a major lifestyle change.
I sat in my sunroom and laid out my life before me. How could I change? What would I have to do to be better? Changing the words I use was obviously not an option, so I dug back into the bowels of my childhood to find another way.
Growing up, around third grade, I hit a rough patch, behaviorally. I’d spit out “hell” with confidence and pretend I didn’t know the difference between “shoot” and “shit”.
My parents’ solution to this problem was soap.
After swearing, I would be chased through the house until I was trapped in a corner and force-fed a bar of bright orange soap. It was more or less an unpleasant affair. However, once the soap was consumed, the swear was forgiven. That was it: by preemptively consuming soap throughout the day, I could say whatever I wanted, guilt-free!
I headed to the internet in search of recipes to get my new diet started, but I couldn’t find any. After meditating on it, I realized I could use soap the same way I’d use shredded coconut, Parmesan cheese, or margarine. The world became my soap dish! I spent three hours in the kitchen doing meal prep that night, grating bar after bar to be frozen and used throughout the week.
I’d start off most days with a smoothie bowl topped with the shavings of a creamy soap bar. The more moisturizing, the better. At lunch, I’d sprinkle something herbal and aromatic over my salads. For dinner, I used it as a spread on my rosemary focaccia. Some evenings, I’d unwind with a sherry glass filled to the brim of the sweetest hand soap I could find.
The change I felt in myself and my conscience was massive and immediate. With the soap diet, I could leave cable news on 24/7 and shamelessly spew lamentations. I no longer felt bad for the things I called my son’s classmates at his last parent-teacher conference. The years may’ve passed, but the remedy was still just as potent. I now live my life feeling as light as a feather and as clean as a whistle.
Of course, I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence if I didn’t warn that this lifestyle change is not for everyone. There are a lot of things that can go wrong. At the start of my journey, I made the mistake of enjoying a soap/chai latte on my commute to work, and after hitting a rough patch of highway, I had to pull over until the bubbles stopped pouring out of my mouth. It was a lesson learned, and I now wait for an hour after eating to do any sort of travel. I found it helpful to lower the water levels of the toilets in my home while dieting for a very similar reason. Whatever obstacles I faced, however, were worth overcoming for the results I felt and saw in myself.
So if you’re looking to make a change, know this: A better, cleaner you is possible.