So What Exactly Happens If The Burger King Produces No Heir?
With the two for $6 Match or Mix special back at Burger King, it’s never been easier to “have it your way.” But that might not be the case for the company at large. Reports indicate that a storm is brewing at the royal-themed burger bastion. One that could be its very undoing. When is the Burger King going to sire a burger baby?
Now, we don’t want to cause a panic, but what would happen if he were to suddenly expire? Who would assume the Burger King’s crown? This isn’t just about royal watchers and tabloid headlines. In these unstable times, the last thing we need is a vicious battle for sandwich sovereignty. So, assuming a Whopper Jr. isn’t on the way, let’s explore the royal mechanisms put in place to avoid a burger-kingless throne.
History Re-MEATS Itself
Most of us know that the history of this affordable meat monarchy dates back to 450 A.D., a time of tumult when the great burger kings and queens battled over a blood-soaked throne. Indeed, fast food in those days was less about Cheetos 4-Cheese Crunch Whoppers and more about feasting upon your fallen foes.
It was only after the McDonaldland’s holy war (which spilled the blood of a thousand Grimaces) that a primogeniture was put in place to fend off false claims to the throne. Fighting for their cornerstone virtues of affordable burgers, inedible salads, and slavery, the descendants of the current king would eventually turn back Little Caesar at the gates of the White Castle and end a 100-year franchise war, firmly cementing their royal bloodline in the process. An era of peace began that would last a dozen centuries. But, with our current Burger King childless, the question of succession threatens to finally tear the kingdom apart.
Long Live the King
With no clear heir to the throne, the Burger Kingdom finds itself in dire straits. As far as the ancient texts tell us, if no suitable heir presents himself, a council of elders shall be convened, overseen by the Wizard of Fries. Personages of noble birth can present their case, no matter what franchise they may come from, leaving the door open for some shocking possibilities. Could The Noid step up? What would a Burger Kingdom look like if the Arby’s Oven Mitt wrested control?
A New Way?
Some royal critics say it’s time for the Burger King to do what all his predecessors have failed to and finally give the burgers themselves the right to vote. It may not be a popular stance, but with Ronald McDonald lurking, it may be their one chance at survival. Suffice it to say, Ba Da Ba Ba Bah, we’re not lovin’ it.
Image: Burger King/YouTube