You probably saw the Buzzfeed article I shared on social media about a study that concluded people with higher IQs stay up later at night. Or maybe you didn’t see it, because I shared it at three in the morning. This study was conducted on over 30 college students, and you know that means it’s legit because you already have to be smart to go to college. No wonder I stay up skimming Wikipedia articles or watching YouTube videos until I pass out in front of my computer. My vast intellect demands constant stimulation.
I know that sounds like I’m bragging, but consider this: another study I posted found that intelligent people are more likely to have messy work spaces, and my desk is so filthy that I can never find anything on it. I forgot to pay a parking ticket because it was immediately buried under greasy KFC boxes and dead spiders. Plus I was three months late filing my taxes because I spilled a half-empty can of stale Mountain Dew on my W-2 and forgot to ask for a replacement. If that doesn’t sound like someone who’s too busy focusing on the big intellectual picture, then I don’t know what does. It’s called correlation, and it causes things.
Speaking of fast food, yet another study that I shared while everyone else was posting pointless pictures of their kids or whatever found that geniuses often have poor diets. That’s probably because geniuses are too busy changing the world with their brilliant inventions to sit down and cook a full meal. I can relate, because by the time I’ve come up with sufficiently insightful thoughts to share with all of my 57 Twitter followers there’s just no time left to cook. I’m on a first name basis with the clerks at 7-11, just like Einstein was with the clerks at his local convenience store. But we all have to make sacrifices in life, and if my health needs to take a hit in order for the world to benefit from my genius, then so be it.
In fact, take it from a genius like me—when you’re as smart as science keeps telling you that you are, there’s no reason to change any of your habits. Sure, some people will keep telling you that they’re going to ruin your “health,” and that you “misunderstand” how scientific studies and the reporting of them works. But since you’re the genius, isn’t it more likely that they’re the ones who don’t understand? And if they can’t even process a scientific study so simple that it merely involved a 23 question survey, then what do they know about a subject as complicated as health? Trust me, you can’t let people with inferior intellects drag you down. They’re just jealous that while they’re busy wasting their time on frivolous pursuits like going to the gym, you’re mainlining r/todayilearned. Because even during the most anti-intellectual time in human history, some people actually like learning.
So while your social media feeds mostly contain vapid celebrity and political news, you can count on me to smarten things up with posts from accounts with “science” in the name and any news story that uses the word “quantum.” You’re welcome. Just remember that I won’t apologize for my intellectual pursuits, even if they keep me up so far into the night that I’m late for my morning shift at the call center.