bunnyears

…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…

Science Says Intelligent People Have Bad Habits, So I’m Clearly A Genius

genius

You probably saw the Buzzfeed article I shared on social media about a study that concluded people with higher IQs stay up later at night. Or maybe you didn’t see it, because I shared it at three in the morning. This study was conducted on over 30 college students, and you know that means it’s legit because you already have to be smart to go to college. No wonder I stay up skimming Wikipedia articles or watching YouTube videos until I pass out in front of my computer. My vast intellect demands constant stimulation.

I know that sounds like I’m bragging, but consider this: another study I posted found that intelligent people are more likely to have messy work spaces, and my desk is so filthy that I can never find anything on it. I forgot to pay a parking ticket because it was immediately buried under greasy KFC boxes and dead spiders. Plus I was three months late filing my taxes because I spilled a half-empty can of stale Mountain Dew on my W-2 and forgot to ask for a replacement. If that doesn’t sound like someone who’s too busy focusing on the big intellectual picture, then I don’t know what does. It’s called correlation, and it causes things.

genius

Speaking of fast food, yet another study that I shared while everyone else was posting pointless pictures of their kids or whatever found that geniuses often have poor diets. That’s probably because geniuses are too busy changing the world with their brilliant inventions to sit down and cook a full meal. I can relate, because by the time I’ve come up with sufficiently insightful thoughts to share with all of my 57 Twitter followers there’s just no time left to cook. I’m on a first name basis with the clerks at 7-11, just like Einstein was with the clerks at his local convenience store. But we all have to make sacrifices in life, and if my health needs to take a hit in order for the world to benefit from my genius, then so be it.

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In fact, take it from a genius like me—when you’re as smart as science keeps telling you that you are, there’s no reason to change any of your habits. Sure, some people will keep telling you that they’re going to ruin your “health,” and that you “misunderstand” how scientific studies and the reporting of them works. But since you’re the genius, isn’t it more likely that they’re the ones who don’t understand? And if they can’t even process a scientific study so simple that it merely involved a 23 question survey, then what do they know about a subject as complicated as health?  Trust me, you can’t let people with inferior intellects drag you down. They’re just jealous that while they’re busy wasting their time on frivolous pursuits like going to the gym, you’re mainlining r/todayilearned. Because even during the most anti-intellectual time in human history, some people actually like learning.

genius

So while your social media feeds mostly contain vapid celebrity and political news, you can count on me to smarten things up with posts from accounts with “science” in the name and any news story that uses the word “quantum.” You’re welcome. Just remember that I won’t apologize for my intellectual pursuits, even if they keep me up so far into the night that I’m late for my morning shift at the call center.

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Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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