bunnyears

…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…

Chic Winter Dresses That Scream ‘AGGHHH I’M NOT A DRESS I’M ALIIIVE’

‘Tis the season to be snazzy! Why not end the year with a brand new chic dress for when you’re feeling nice … or NAUGHTY?! Here are five of our favorite chic winter dresses that simply scream “OH MY GOD HELP ME I’M NOT A DRESS I’M ALIIIIVE!!!”

Musical Ma’am Pleated Long-Sleeve Dress

Great for any musician in your life that also doesn’t mind the ceaseless wails of a tragic soul forever trapped inside comfortable fine knit. “WHY AM I LIKE THIS?” the blue dress cries out, desperate for an answer we do not have. Was it the work of some trickster demon? A monkey’s paw? Who are we, mere mortals, to say?

Rust Red Long-Sleeve Bodycon Dress

This dress isn’t just warm, sleek, and lipstick red—it’s also perpetually shrieking like a dying crow. “YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME, I’M REALLY ALIVE!” says the body-hugging gown, its fibers vibrating with every bone-piercing vocalization. Don’t worry, little dress—we believe you! We just have no idea how to help you!

Casual Winter Turtleneck

Who says you can’t be toasty, sexy, and thrifty? Also, does anyone know why this knitted cashmere number gargles in agony every time we attempt to machine-wash it? “I CAN’T BREATHE! YOU’RE KILLING ME!” it desperately sobs, seemingly unaware that it is a dress and therefore doesn’t have lungs. Sorry, dress!

DON’T MISS:  Contour Your Cat's Nipples So They're Less Disgusting

Khaki Sweater Dress

I know what you’re thinking: “Why not simply cut the dress up and end the misery of whoever is trapped inside?” Well, believe me, we tried that. Instead of one screaming dress, we suddenly had 20 smaller but just as loud pieces of fabric, all howling in unison “WE ARE INCOMPLETE! THE PAIN IS EXISTENTIAL AND FOREVER!” As you can imagine, our next immediate action was to toss the pieces into the fireplace, but alas, they would not burn. Through some dark sorcery, the tiny gray pieces of this casual but fun khaki dress remained intact, their howls turning into wretched yelps of torture. High-pitched, inhuman sounds of extraordinary pain. Even once we doused the flames, the sounds continued, never again forming coherence beyond one steady alarm of suffering.

Ultimately, the pieces were buried in a steel box outside the office, their muffled screeches still audible even after we packed down the final shovels of cold earth. They remain there to this day.

Autumn Winter Long-Sleeve Galaxy Dress

Far out! It’s a bit unconventional, but this revealing long-sleeve dress will certainly have them seeing stars! It’ll also have them seeing the fabric on your torso wrinkle to form a mouth and bellow “I AM THE GOD DRESS, ALL WILL BECOME DRESS” in a rumbling baritone voice. When not swearing that all will be turned to fabric, this galactic gown is perfect for solstice parties or work events if you don’t mind the fact that, for some unknown reason, it’s very loudly counting down each second until March 9, 2022. “ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE MILLION, FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHT THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND TWO SECONDS UNTIL MARCH 9, 2022 … ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE MILLION, FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHT THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND ONE SECOND UNTIL MARCH 9, 2022 … ” it drones on and on with a thick Bostonian accent.

DON’T MISS:  Fresh And Flirty Tips For Dressing Like Your Favorite Serial Murderers

I guess that, while we don’t yet know why these dresses are alive, it appears that someday we might learn the hard way. But hey, until then, there’s no reason not to look bangin’. Happy holidays!

Images: PixabayMod ClothLulusAliExpressOhMyChicAveryCouture

You Might Also Like

Using Your Love Language To Ask To Speak To The Manager

Get that guy fired—your way.

Read More

I’d Quit My Fashion Job But I Love Dressing Rich People As Literal Dicks

For me, it started small. It was a beanie that looked like a dick.

Read More

It’s Never Too Late To Start Planning Your Parents’ Funerals

Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.

Read More
1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Stalk Us

Video of the Week

We’re Back, Baby! Take THAT, Sawa!