‘Tis the season to be snazzy! Why not end the year with a brand new chic dress for when you’re feeling nice … or NAUGHTY?! Here are five of our favorite chic winter dresses that simply scream “OH MY GOD HELP ME I’M NOT A DRESS I’M ALIIIIVE!!!”
Musical Ma’am Pleated Long-Sleeve Dress
Great for any musician in your life that also doesn’t mind the ceaseless wails of a tragic soul forever trapped inside comfortable fine knit. “WHY AM I LIKE THIS?” the blue dress cries out, desperate for an answer we do not have. Was it the work of some trickster demon? A monkey’s paw? Who are we, mere mortals, to say?
Rust Red Long-Sleeve Bodycon Dress
This dress isn’t just warm, sleek, and lipstick red—it’s also perpetually shrieking like a dying crow. “YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME, I’M REALLY ALIVE!” says the body-hugging gown, its fibers vibrating with every bone-piercing vocalization. Don’t worry, little dress—we believe you! We just have no idea how to help you!
Casual Winter Turtleneck
Who says you can’t be toasty, sexy, and thrifty? Also, does anyone know why this knitted cashmere number gargles in agony every time we attempt to machine-wash it? “I CAN’T BREATHE! YOU’RE KILLING ME!” it desperately sobs, seemingly unaware that it is a dress and therefore doesn’t have lungs. Sorry, dress!
Khaki Sweater Dress
I know what you’re thinking: “Why not simply cut the dress up and end the misery of whoever is trapped inside?” Well, believe me, we tried that. Instead of one screaming dress, we suddenly had 20 smaller but just as loud pieces of fabric, all howling in unison “WE ARE INCOMPLETE! THE PAIN IS EXISTENTIAL AND FOREVER!” As you can imagine, our next immediate action was to toss the pieces into the fireplace, but alas, they would not burn. Through some dark sorcery, the tiny gray pieces of this casual but fun khaki dress remained intact, their howls turning into wretched yelps of torture. High-pitched, inhuman sounds of extraordinary pain. Even once we doused the flames, the sounds continued, never again forming coherence beyond one steady alarm of suffering.
Ultimately, the pieces were buried in a steel box outside the office, their muffled screeches still audible even after we packed down the final shovels of cold earth. They remain there to this day.
Autumn Winter Long-Sleeve Galaxy Dress
Far out! It’s a bit unconventional, but this revealing long-sleeve dress will certainly have them seeing stars! It’ll also have them seeing the fabric on your torso wrinkle to form a mouth and bellow “I AM THE GOD DRESS, ALL WILL BECOME DRESS” in a rumbling baritone voice. When not swearing that all will be turned to fabric, this galactic gown is perfect for solstice parties or work events if you don’t mind the fact that, for some unknown reason, it’s very loudly counting down each second until March 9, 2022. “ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE MILLION, FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHT THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND TWO SECONDS UNTIL MARCH 9, 2022 … ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE MILLION, FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHT THOUSAND, SIX HUNDRED AND ONE SECOND UNTIL MARCH 9, 2022 … ” it drones on and on with a thick Bostonian accent.
I guess that, while we don’t yet know why these dresses are alive, it appears that someday we might learn the hard way. But hey, until then, there’s no reason not to look bangin’. Happy holidays!