Your Baby Daddy Is Zeus Disguised As A Shower Of Gold: Own It!
We here at Bunny Ears believe that every child is a miracle. And that’s especially true if they were conceived when you got plastered on grappa and fucked a shower of gold that just happened to be Zeus, King of the Gods and Ruler of Mount Olympus. While we understand your semi-super-powered baby’s origin story might be awkward to manage, we’re here to say: OWN IT, GIRL.
Breaking The News
Announcing that you’re impregnated with a demi-god is an important first step to welcoming your baby. Even though his father may be incorporeal, and, you know, married to a vengeful goddess, that’s no reason not to celebrate. Have fun with it! Take your baby announcement photos with a big old mess of gold coins cradled around you. Show off those ultrasound photos that clearly show the laurel wreath growing on your royal fetus’ skull.
Just don’t brag. Zeus’ wife is watching and she’s not super cool with him being poly (and she’ll have you turned into an ash tree if you overstep).
Ignore Nosy Nellys
Some of your more brazen friends are going to wonder how all this happened. Be prepared for at least a few of them to ask carefully worded questions, like “How the FUCK did you have sex with a shower of gold, Andrea?!” There are a few tactics you can adopt in response. First of all, you can tell them you don’t owe them an explanation. Your sexual practices with deities disguised as currency are your own business.
Or, if you feel like sharing, you can tell them the truth, which is that you were super blitzed and, as usual, attracted to shiny objects. I mean, Sheryl spent $2,000 on a Tiffany’s wolfhound charm during her last binge weekend. She really has no room to talk.
Picking A Name
Now is a great time to pick up a book of baby names and start fantasizing about the perfect name to give your little one! Just don’t get too attached. Zeus may slink back in as a booming thunderclap from the sky and announce that the kid is to be named Andronikos or whatever. Just go with it. The man has been known to turn his mistresses into stone. Listen, no judgement, ok? But next time you bang a god, just Google him first.
Preparing For Your Lil’ Demigod
After you’ve got a name picked out, you’ll want to start decorating the nursery and choosing a wet nurse. Why a wet nurse? Well, while you were chosen among all mortal women to bear Zeus’ child, uh, your baby parts are kinda all mortal. Basically, pushing a demigod out of your gold-bank is not what you were built for, mortality-wise. I mean, he’s likely to have the strength of gods or the punch of thunder or something. Chances are, only one of you is getting out of that birthing chamber alive, and it’s the immortal baby one.
Don’t feel too bad! By giving birth to a legendary hero who might grow up to be the minor god of, I don’t know, chardonnay or something, you’ve become an inalienable part of mythology! Your body may die, but there’s a better-than-even chance you’ll get a constellation named after you! Your sister Karen may have married a stockbroker, but does she get immortalized in the night sky beyond the boundary of time? No. So you tell me, who’s really failing the family.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…