bunnyears

…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…

Creatures Ethical To Milk Because We’re Not Even Sure They’re Animals

It can get confusing these days to make sure that everything we eat is sourced in a way that causes as little suffering as possible. There’s a lot of label reading and decoding of listed ingredients. Of course, meat is out of the question, but what about gelatin bindings in food? Other assorted and eldritch animal by-products that have sneaked into everything on the grocery shelf? The plight of the suffering and struggling bees?

This brings us to milk, which is an awfully tricky subject. Of course you don’t want to milk animals, but what if you got milk from creatures that we are fairly sure aren’t animals? What about…

Fish Milk?

Fish aren’t animals, right? They’re like wet and scaly and don’t talk or make cute sounds. They don’t even have fur! They’ve got those weird flappy flaps! What kind of animal is that?

So we have to admit we’re not completely sure how milk works. However, these things just poop eggs so whatever, they’re obviously magic. And since this is all about being cruelty-free I’m assuming that fish will just give you milk if you ask them. Like the one in that documentary that made the fisherman’s wife Queen of the Sea? Fish just normally grant wishes, right?

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Lawn Clipping Milk

We mow our lawns once every two years like a normal person. After a few weeks, the pile of clippings starts to smell like sour milk and occasionally a tendril dripping with viscous fluid whips out to caress our ankles if we walk too close to it. Then neighborhood animals start disappearing.

There’s probably something in there we can milk, right? Our neighbors moved away long ago… or at least we haven’t seen them in ages. Unfortunately, that means there isn’t anyone readily available we can compare notes with.

We’re kind of nervous to look into this, but hey, anything for science.

Praying Mantis Milk

Not only are we pretty sure praying mantises aren’t animals, we’re also not entirely convinced that they are actually real. Look at them, they have those weird eyes that always seem to be staring directly at you even if you are behind them.

Ok, if these things do make milk, you’re gonna have to steal it because there’s no way in hell you’re going to want to negotiate with that. But stealing mantis milk still seems less cruel than the way we steal cow’s milk. You know, because cows are cute and seem reasonable.

Stolen Milk

Oh wait I just covered that.

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Ebola Virus Milk

We have no idea why people don’t put more effort into getting milk from repulsive things. Why do we always have to eat and milk cute things? Like cows. How cute are they?

Now, Ebola virus—that’s like the opposite of cute. Cows on one end, Ebola virus on the other. Why don’t we offer more milk from something like that?

We could milk things like the Fear Of Death, Existential Malaise, and Dryer Lint. Not to mention Scorpions, Wasps and the ghost of Benito Mussolini. Actually, that last one reminds me of…

Ghost Milk!

Milk from ghosts! I literally cannot believe we are the first to think of this. Please petition your congressperson and hassle your local scientists.

 

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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