It can get confusing these days to make sure that everything we eat is sourced in a way that causes as little suffering as possible. There’s a lot of label reading and decoding of listed ingredients. Of course, meat is out of the question, but what about gelatin bindings in food? Other assorted and eldritch animal by-products that have sneaked into everything on the grocery shelf? The plight of the suffering and struggling bees?
This brings us to milk, which is an awfully tricky subject. Of course you don’t want to milk animals, but what if you got milk from creatures that we are fairly sure aren’t animals? What about…
Fish aren’t animals, right? They’re like wet and scaly and don’t talk or make cute sounds. They don’t even have fur! They’ve got those weird flappy flaps! What kind of animal is that?
So we have to admit we’re not completely sure how milk works. However, these things just poop eggs so whatever, they’re obviously magic. And since this is all about being cruelty-free I’m assuming that fish will just give you milk if you ask them. Like the one in that documentary that made the fisherman’s wife Queen of the Sea? Fish just normally grant wishes, right?
Lawn Clipping Milk
We mow our lawns once every two years like a normal person. After a few weeks, the pile of clippings starts to smell like sour milk and occasionally a tendril dripping with viscous fluid whips out to caress our ankles if we walk too close to it. Then neighborhood animals start disappearing.
There’s probably something in there we can milk, right? Our neighbors moved away long ago… or at least we haven’t seen them in ages. Unfortunately, that means there isn’t anyone readily available we can compare notes with.
We’re kind of nervous to look into this, but hey, anything for science.
Praying Mantis Milk
Not only are we pretty sure praying mantises aren’t animals, we’re also not entirely convinced that they are actually real. Look at them, they have those weird eyes that always seem to be staring directly at you even if you are behind them.
Ok, if these things do make milk, you’re gonna have to steal it because there’s no way in hell you’re going to want to negotiate with that. But stealing mantis milk still seems less cruel than the way we steal cow’s milk. You know, because cows are cute and seem reasonable.
Oh wait I just covered that.
Ebola Virus Milk
We have no idea why people don’t put more effort into getting milk from repulsive things. Why do we always have to eat and milk cute things? Like cows. How cute are they?
Now, Ebola virus—that’s like the opposite of cute. Cows on one end, Ebola virus on the other. Why don’t we offer more milk from something like that?
We could milk things like the Fear Of Death, Existential Malaise, and Dryer Lint. Not to mention Scorpions, Wasps and the ghost of Benito Mussolini. Actually, that last one reminds me of…
Milk from ghosts! I literally cannot believe we are the first to think of this. Please petition your congressperson and hassle your local scientists.