Congratulations, you’re coming to a water birth!
You and your special aura have been granted access to the home water birth of our baby.
This is a very selective group. As anyone who reads my Webby-nominated Instagram knows, I am an exceptionally private person, especially when it comes to my vulva and associated parts. Most people have to buy a premium lifetime membership to my blog, but you’re such a special friend/family member/contest winner that I knew you wouldn’t be able to look away when the miracle of life comes limping out from between my legs.
Your presence is requested as part of our birth team by me, my husband F. Scott, our unborn child, and Hercules, F. Scott’s 189-pound emotional support Great Dane.
Water Birth Rules for Everyone
Everyone has a specialized task but this part goes for everyone: Just because it’s a DIY neopagan water birth taking place in a tiny yurt under the light of a full solstice moon does not mean there are no rules. There are so many fucking rules. If you break any one of these rules, you may put our baby at risk.
- DO use the social media hashtag for the event: #DunstonChecksIn.
- DON’T refer to the baby as “him” or “her” as that is a separate party.
- DON’T live-post from the event. All posts must be approved by me, F. Scott, or Hercules. F. Scott will confiscate any devices found to be in violation of this rule.
- DO be vigilant about the above, so if you see something, say something. They say “snitches get stitches,” but I’m the one who’s going to need an episiotomy so snitch away.
- In order to reduce unwanted stimuli from perfumes and bright clothes, everyone WILL wear only a skintight tan bodysuit.
- DON’T bathe with anything outside of the pH range 5.5 – 6.25 for at least four days prior to the birth.
Your Job Is Emotional Support Dog Birth Coach!
Based on your astrological chart, you’re the most compatible person to function as Hercules’ birthing coach. Your Jupiter placement was especially impressive. Hercules isn’t pregnant, but my water birth is a journey for everyone involved and he needs an emotional sherpa for the ordeal.
Despite the warnings of gynecologists, obstetricians, doulas, and midwives, we found a witch named Judith who reassured F. Scott and I that we are right to want Hercules at the water birth. She even went so far as to say that animal energy is very “positive” and “pure” and “couldn’t hurt,” which quelled all our fears since the other practitioners kept saying extremely negative words like “infection” and “attack.”
As Hercules’ water birth coach your task is simple: Make sure that Hercules stays calm and doesn’t ruin the birth. As you may remember from my livestream of Thanksgiving, he can be quite a handful. Fun fact: I spent three days on that turkey and then it was gone in fifteen seconds. So funny!
Hercules only barks or bites if F. Scott is experiencing elevated vibrations or if F. Scott is ignoring him. Obviously since F. Scott will be busy paying attention to moi, you need to trick Hercules into thinking that F. Scott is giving him undivided loving attention using the provided F. Scott face mask and one of his Prada linen shirts.
Hercules’ Etiquette Guide for My Water Birth
DON’T talk unless I am talking to you.
DON’T talk to F. Scott AT ALL.
DON’T make eye contact with me unless I request it.
DON’T make eye contact with Hercules.
DON’T do anything to make Hercules bark. This includes sudden movements, gradual movements, blinking, odd numbers of any kind, and accent work.
DON’T do anything to make F. Scott anxious as it will make Hercules bark.
If Hercules barks, he can only be calmed with a signed headshot of character actor Stephen Lang which you DO need to provide.
DON’T call Judith a “witch” to her face. The preferred term is “she-healer.”
DO dry-clean F. Scott’s shirt after the birth. It costs $264.
DON’T send us the bill and DON’T think this doubles as a gift. The baby is registered at Hermés Neonatál.
Some Important Water Birth Details
We timed conception so the birth would take place under a waxing moon, so please keep every night from 4pm to 4am free for the next two weeks.
F. Scott, Hercules, and I cannot wait to bathe in the glow of your love as you stand before us, humbled by such a miracle, shivering with both awe and rapidly cooling tub water. The splash radius will be much larger than anyone can possibly anticipate. I’d say dress accordingly, but you know…beige body suit.