How To Sell Your Holiday Party Blackout As Insightful Social Commentary

December 5, 2019 by , featured in Lifestyle
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It’s a dangerous time of year for folks like us who like to indulge in the sweet, drama-inducing nectar that is high-proof alcohol. It seems like everyone’s been cautious about inviting us to their holiday parties due to our past displays of boozy shenanigans. This year, however, we’ve decided to break the cycle and turn some heads by presenting our inevitable blackout as hard-hitting social commentary—and you can, too! Here’s some tips based on our dress rehearsal at Harry’s party.

Turn Your Inappropriate Statements into a First Amendment Discussion

Most of our blackout nights begin by shouting rude things. These moments can be embarrassing, but not when you spin the conversation into an insightful discussion about free speech! Boldly tell others that yes, what you said was wildly offensive, but really dig into your right to say it.

Throwing Up = Ridding Your Body of Toxic Masculinity

Your first barf session is crucial for establishing the tone of the rest of your performance. As you spew bile all over Harry’s front lawn, let curious passerby know that you aren’t actually drunk, you’re just purging your body of the patriarchy’s toxins. (If you do not identify as a cishet male, you can substitute a more applicable problematic mindset, like “trans-exclusionary radical feminism” or “Jeff Dunham fandom.”)

Shed Tears for the Injustices of the World

Inevitably, weeping shall occur. This will be the emotional climax of your hard-hitting vocalized think-piece. In the midst of your teary stupor, dial up an ex on speakerphone and leave an incoherent voicemail in which you craft a flimsy analogy between your relationship and the Israel/Palestine conflict. It will really make a handful of people think. (Most of Harry’s guests will be actively avoiding you at this point in the evening, but high art is not for everybody.)

Full-On Blackout (Encore)

You likely won’t remember this part of the night, but you’ll most definitely wake up in an unfamiliar train station with a bag of doll’s heads in your lap. Always be willing to improvise.

Image: Unsplash


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