Everything We’re Confident ‘Death Stranding’ Is NOT

May 30, 2019 by , featured in Video Games
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Our taste in gaming may skew decidedly retro, but just because Macaulay Culkin refuses to buy a PlayStation 4 doesn’t mean we’re ignorant of the latest trends. We’re as excited for Hideo Kojima’s Death Stranding as anyone. And after careful frame-by-frame analysis of the hot new 9-minute trailer, we definitely think that it’s possibly a video game, maybe? We’ll let the professional journalists debate that, but in the meantime we are confident in boldly declaring what Death Stranding definitely isn’t.

Death Stranding Is Not … This Chair

Death Stranding

We might even, after a few days of careful reflection, conclude that Death Standing is not any chair or, indeed, any form of furniture whatsoever. You can’t sit on it, you can’t sleep on it, we guess you could eat off of it (but we wouldn’t recommend it). The trailer made that much clear!

Death Stranding Is Not … Our Grandpa

Death Stranding

Sorry, grandpa. Looks like your death’s not being stranded!

Death Stranding Is Not … An Energy Source

Death Stranding

Not even if you count how hot the takes are! Seriously though, after consulting Bunny Ears’ Petrochemical and Nuclear divisions, we are willing to go on record with the stance that Death Stranding will not produce energy. In fact, it may even require a modest supply of energy in order to be … witnessed? Eaten?

Death Stranding Is Not … A Secret Macaulay Culkin Project

Death Stranding

For the last time, the rumors aren’t true! Yes, Macaulay Culkin provided some initial consultation where he famously said “Hideo, what if, instead of Pauly Shore holding an angry poodle who continuously bites his penis, you used Mads Mikkelsen and a baby?” But after that informal conversation, Mack moved on to other projects, and now he’s as confused as anyone. They didn’t even stick with his original title, Mads About You. So stop emailing us about it!

Watch the full, 9-minute trailer below and try to decide for yourself.

Images: Playstation/YouTube, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay,

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