We’re Sorry, But Fatboy Slim Has Rebranded Himself As ‘Fatboi Thicc’

We don’t really know how to tell you this, but it has come to our attention that Fatboy Slim has rebranded himself to appeal to a new generation of pop DJ fans. We regret to report that he is now going by the stage name Fatboi Thicc. We’re not really sure how this is our fault, but we feel the need to apologize anyway.

While we like to consider ourselves trendsetters and tastemakers, we’re certainly not the first people to wantonly describe all things juicy and sizable as “thicc.” Still, we can’t help but feel some responsibility for this crime of marketing, especially since (ugh) Fatboi could not be reached for comment at the time of publication and we can only speculate on the reasoning behind this decision.

It should be noted that Norman Cook could be considered, even back in 1998, neither fat nor a bo(i/y). “Slim” was, in fact, the only truthful part of the English DJ’s moniker, and he’s taken even that veracious nugget away from us. Why, Norman? Why would you do that to us? Is it because of that cocktail party in 2003? We were experimenting with bath salts and can’t be held responsible for our actions. We can’t help it if we’re on the cutting edge of the hippest drugs.

But that doesn’t matter now. It is what it is, and we just have to deal with the situation that’s been presented to us. For example, when we request “Brimful of Asha,” is it still okay to ask for the Fatboy Slim mix? Are we going to get stonewalled in the club if we refuse to say his new name out loud? Are we going to have to just accept the original Cornershop cut even though it’s nowhere near as danceable?

We’ll report back if Thicc’s people ever get back to us. In the meantime, we’re sending a belated apology bouquet for the bath salts thing. We’ll do anything if it might change this.

Image: Secretaría de Cultura Ciudad de México