RepubliZen: Enlightened Republican Quotes From Our Conservative Users

March 6, 2018 by
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Lifestyle. It’s a word that calls to mind helpful communities like ours, lavender-scented miscellany, and older couples who like to swing. Yet, all too often, our favorite web genre sub-designation gets tangled up with a set of leftists ideals, things that might make our zen-seeking Republican brothers, sisters, and inter-gender comrades in the elephant jammies confused or upset (like empathy for the poor or cashew butter). So let’s reach a yoga-limbered arm across the aisle and learn about ourselves. Because, believe it or not, there are plenty of ultra-conservative Republicans seeking wellness right here on these pages, out on wellness retreats, and even in the halls of the very White House.

Testimonials From Our Conservative Users

We decided to solicit some feedback from self-avowed “RepubliZen” Bunny Ears users, to better get to know these paragons of peace and light that will only have their guns taken from their cold, dead hands.

 – Michael, 99

“I’m about to become a fourth-level Reiki master. It’s taken years of dedication to the art. I can remember when I started, it was so long ago that there were barely even four false-flag school shootings staged by crisis-actors per year. And Tamagotchi, remember those? Anyway, bottom line, soon I’ll be able to heal damaged psyches through time using energy waves, and I believe the Parkland kids are paid actors hired expressly to undermine the Second Amendment.”

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– Carol, 43

“Yoga is all about openness. Opening the joints, the lungs, the spirit. That’s why I’m planning a lovely citizens-only yoga class to help raise funds for the Mexican border wall! Papers required and please bring your own water. We’ll provide the I.C.E.” [Bob proceeded to look around for a full three-and-a-half seconds after he dropped that bomb.]

– Bob, 57

“I truly believe the only things we have to fear are the pollution of our auras by negative vibrations and welfare queens.”

– Jabari, 90

“It’s when I’m making beeswax candles in my yurt at dawn that I feel both most serene, and also confident in the fact that life begins at the moment of conception. Did you know enough hematite and onyx crystal stowed under a Planned Parenthood can make it physically impossible for abortions to be performed inside?”

– Lanny, 59

“I’m an individual. I hate being stereotyped. That’s why my AR-15 with the bump stock has no less than three Coexist bumper stickers on the barrel and scope. If you want one, there’s a gun show out back.”

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Dortmunder, 38

“As a Republican who loves spirit, wellness, and ‘home and lifestyle’ products, it can be tough. I’ve found one super-simple tip that helps me immensely is the exploitative privatization of the electric grid in Puerto Rico. And superfoods.”

– Bobby, 50

“Favorite musicians? Easy. Yusuf Islam [formerly Cat Stevens], Bon Iver, and some Kid Rock singing the National Anthem in front of kneeling veterans on a football field during the trailers to a Fast And Furious movie, when I can get it.”

– Shareena, 61

“I am right wing. I’m a proud right-winger. I’m fiscally conservative. I believe in family values. I’m God-fearing. That doesn’t mean I can’t bust a wicked camel pose on the mat, or even a full-on pretzel, legs-behind-the-head, can-fellate-yourself kind of thing. Although obviously anyone who fellates himself should be sent to a gay conversion prayer camp. But the point stands.”

– Rob, 19

“TRUMP #TRUMP MAGA DJT #MAGAMAGA AÇAÍ BERRY TRUMP TRUMP!”

– Anonymous Text Sent To Us Ad Nauseum, ~14 – 102

“You’re not just gonna quote a bunch of right-wing nuts who like crystals and make us look hypocritical, are you? That would be a real ass move.”

– Robert, 27

Images: Max Pixel


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5 Comments

  1. I’m gay. I’m a Republican. I cried at the end of Casper when they danced. I love Trump. Which just establishes my credibility to say that this article (this snarky and fun lil article) is appreciated and brilliant.

  2. So the names and ages come below the quotes they said? Or do they come before? If they come below then Michael, 99 said nothing. If they come before then Robert, 27 said nothing. Why must you do this to me?

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