The Bunny Ears staff was shocked this week to discover that we had not come up with the idea for Titanic II. We all thought it was one of Craig’s dumb ideas or something. I swore I remembered Amanda pitching it in Slack like six months ago and we all thought it was hilarious. I mean seriously, come on, Titanic II? That has us written all over it.
Certain that we must have been somehow involved in this business venture, I brought Titanic II to the attention of Bunny Ears editor-in-chief Shawn DePasquale. “Oh, yeah, this is definitely us,” Shawn said. “Did Mark do this? It sounds very Markish. Oh my God, CNN picked this up? That is hilarious. Look, they even have a dumb little CG picture of a fake new Titanic ship.”
After laughing hysterically for several minutes, Shawn continued: “Like, what are they going to do, have little holograms that are all ‘Hello, I’m John Jacob Astor, if you look to the left of the ship, you’ll see where I threw myself to an icy death as the Titanic sank'”? Are they going to sell t-shirts that say ‘I rode the Titanic II and all I got was with lousy t-shirt instead of a cold, grim death?'”
While we are all in agreement that Titanic II is in very poor taste, we can’t seem to agree on how we are involved. But, like, we have to be. Right? Just look at this hard data we’ve collected. The below graph is a representation of who is most likely to create the concept of Titanic II.
As you can plainly see, there is a 90% chance that we would be the ones to come up with Titanic II. There is only a 5% chance that it was the brain child of Australian billionaire Clive Palmer. In fact, he’s tied with the entity responsible for most terrible ideas that people pump billions of dollars into, a cat that has stepped on a keyboard.
Once Shawn stopped laughing and realized that it looked like we really hadn’t come up with Titanic II, he activated the Bunny Ears phone tree. It’s a system we have set up for emergencies, like if a face cream called Le Butt comes out, or just to keep each other apprised of Devon Sawa’s movements. He was concerned that our organization had gotten so large that we were somehow producing content we were not even aware of. After several phone calls, it appears that is not the case. No one in the organization is willing to lay claim to Titanic II.
Though our extensive search has turned up absolutely no link between us and the creation of Titanic II, we remain unconvinced of the lack of connection. Please review this chart made by our in-house “scientists.”*
Based on empirical data, by the year 2020, there’s a 200% probability that we would have come up with Titanic II. We reached 100% probability around 2015, so in theory, we came up with this three years ago. That’s a full two years before Bunny Ears even officially launched! We don’t even know how that’s possible, yet we still agree with it.
In light of this astounding empirical evidence, we will continue looking into this issue and let you know of any advances in this mysterious case. As of now, we are 100% certain we had nothing to do with the Titanic and also 99% sure we won’t be in any way connected to Titanic III, but our connection to Titanic II remains a mystery.
*Our in-house “scientists” cannot legally be referred to as scientists due to several pending lawsuits.
Images: Paramount Pictures, Blue Star Liner, Our In-House Scientists*